In this series, we’ll be busting commonly held myths about Black women and White men. Today’s myth is that Black women only like aggressive men.
Have you ever heard the following sayings?
Are you “man” enough to date a Black woman?
Black girls like guys with swag.
Black girls don’t want soft guys.
The gist of all of the above is you have to be hard and kind of a dick to date a Black woman: But is it a myth or not?
Dictionary.com says the word aggressive means pursuing one’s aims and interests forcefully, sometimes unduly so. It also means ready or likely to attack or confront.
Applying the term to men – Aggressive men oftentimes do not respect boundaries or communicate well, and can make you feel fearful that one day they will snap and start throwing dishes a la Johnny Depp caught on hidden camera style.
If we look at the courting behavior of many Black men, you could say that they are aggressive (after all I do not see White men holding up the sidewalk catcalling women and when the women don’t respond positively, getting pissed and calling them names). I’ve also only ever witnessed black boys roughhousing girls like they are boys as a sign of affection.
Personally, I like to be pursued, but definitely not forcefully. Also although I do not want a man I can walk all over, I definitely do not want a man that is ready or likely to attack or confront me and others (that spells mistreatment and constant problems out in public).
Give me a respectful, peaceful, reliable, warm guy over a dominant bad boy/player with swag any day. I do not care if you want to call him soft, a nerd, or a wimp.
Now, when it comes to protecting me, I do not want my guy to be picking fights with every male who glances my way, but if some stranger comes at me or at us, I want to feel like my guy will have my back and protect me from harm. In other words I want my man to be aggressive when the situation really calls for it, but never the aggressor.
That being said, I think most women, Black, White and Other, prefer that.
Now, while there are Black women who want the thugs (usually lower class black women) if we are being real we can find Hispanic, Asian and White women who also prefer the bad boys over the good men.
Basically, I think it all boils down to a class preference. Most middle and lower class Black women do not want aggressive acting White men (this doesn’t mean they don’t want to be pursued – they do, just not forcefully). So, consider this MYTH BUSTED!
Thoughts and comments? Post them below
So you and your beau want to host Thanksgiving or friends giving. Whether it is your first foray into being the hosts or your umpteenth time, here are ten suggestions to make sure your gathering doesn’t devolve into one of the worst nights of your life:
- Avoid the bad topics – Political talk is a no-no. This is especially true if you are in an interracial relationship and your guests are all across the board. On that note, avoid racial talk and jokes as well. Remember that scene in “Something New” where the black and white jokes came out and Simon and the grandfather almost came to blows. It was cringeworthy on the screen and will be even more so if you have to witness this in real life – so obviously, ixnay on the okesjay.
- Get Fancy Disposable Plates – If you don’t want to guilt your guests into helping you clear and wash dishes, or have a low key attitude because no one offers to help clean up, make everyone’s life much easier by investing in some high quality disposable plates and forks (especially if you don’t have a dishwasher).
- Have Games – on a more positive note, have some games ready to entertain your guests. I am a huge fan of pictionary or charades because you can play with large groups of people. You can also download the app heads up for a similar effect. There are also awesome boardgames that might work depending on the size of your party. Avoid strategy games, and keep the mood light with party games. Games likely to turn dirty (like cards against humanity) is really only appropriate for friends giving and not for when mom, pop, and grandma are around.
- Decorate – Go ahead and splurge on some thanksgiving decorations. It will make the atmosphere more jovial and give people things to talk about. Thanksgiving themed foods such as turkey shaped appetizers, banners, pumpkins, wreaths, and anything fall themed you can find would work. Look to pinterest for DIY tutortials and recipes.
- Entertainment – Be sure to have some thanksgiving themed movies at the ready to play in the background. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Pieces of April, are just a few of the movies you may want to consider. However, Netflix, Hulu, and cable should have a few thanksgiving themes movies on their lineup. Meanwhile ABC family or Hallmark channel always have family themed movies – so go for those channels if you can’t find anything good.
- Cater – If neither you or your significant other are great cooks, there is no shame in ordering catered food. Sure, most guests are likely to show up with a dish or two, but you don’t want to rely on them for the big ticket items like the turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and dessert.
- Make sure you have enough – This applies to everything – food, seating, plates, etc. The way to do this is to ask everyone to rsvp and then personally send a follow up via email or text confirming attendance as well as if they will be bringing any guests (let it be known the more the merrier).
- Start Early – It sucks when people just show up to eat and then bounce. Make a whole day of it by starting early (have appetizers) and letting people know that the start time will be sharp (No CPT). If your friends/family are the type to show up late, just push the time up by two hours so that they will arrive when they are supposed to. If you do this though, make sure you are ready to start receiving guests at the designated time.
- Clean House – It should go without saying that whenever guests are coming over your house should be in good condition. If you are not much of a cleaner or you haven’t cleaned in a minute and the house needs a good scrub down, hire someone. There are services like Handy, or individuals offering their cleaning services on craigslist. Most importantly, the bathroom, kitchen, and the space where the guests will convene need to be spic and span.
- Don’t forget the Alcohol – If you want people to lighten up and get into the festivities (especially the games) make sure you don’t forget the alcohol. It’s best to have a red, white, and if you want to get really fancy – some champagne. Having the drinks ready to pass out as guests enter is also a nice touch.
That rounds up my list! If you have any ideas or tips that you would like to share, post them below.
Back then a lot of Black women and White men were still not sure if either side was really attracted to the other, and these couples provided proof that indeed this type of coupling was not only possible, but becoming more and more popular.
Of course, as with many intra-racial relationships, a lot of these couples did not stand the test of time. Some people opted to leave the videos up while others removed them. Regardless, the poster would get a barrage of questions on their old and new videos asking about updates and details about whether the couple was still together.
The racist trolls and haters relished in the idea of an interracial couple breaking up and used these instances as “teachable” moments to point and laugh at the incredulity of Black women and White men relationships lasting long term.
But between fanboys and fangirls deeply invested in these people’s lives – sometimes to the point where they pursued someone in the relationship offline (it’s actually quite achievable to start dating a youtube user vs a celebrity so online followers who think they want what they see will actually try to break couples up), and persistent trolls who succeeded in baiting the couple to argue and engage with them, I have to wonder if the biggest mistake these couples made was parading their relationship on the internet for everyone to see.
I talk about why it is a bad idea to always bring up the race issue with your partner in my book, “How to be Irresistible to White Men” (see the sidebar to the right for more info).
Sure, it’s nice to get praise and admiration from thousands of people who think you and your partner make a cute couple, but one of the partners (usually the male in the bwwm vlogger relationship) can start to feel really exploited as though that’s the only reason you are together, or the vlog becomes the foundation for the relationship so a person feels trapped.
Additionally, it can get really old really quick, and tiring to be in a relationship where you constantly fixate on your differences – especially racial differences (most vlogs featured the couples trying to drive viewers for ad revenue talking ad nauseam about just that). That is not sexy or fun – and you should want to make your relationship feel as normal, natural, and easygoing as any other.
What do you think?
Would you ever post your videos and pictures with your significant other on youtube? Do you think it’s a good or a bad idea? Do you follow any couples or have an opinion based on first hand experience? SHARE BELOW!
Like a lot of people I was completely stunned by Tuesday’s results. I admit, I wanted to stick my head in the sand and pretend that Trump did not exist for the next four years by avoiding the media and disengaging from it all.
However, I was forced to face reality when I get a few phone calls and messages from people telling me to be extra careful since the crazy racist trump supporters have been emboldened by Trump’s election and are targeting minorities, interracial couples and homosexuals.
This led me to read up on an article titled day 1 in Trump’s America (https://twitter.com/i/moments/796417517157830656) where people were sending in reports of harassment, violence, property damage, verbal abuse, etc. perpetuated by Trump supporters.
Apparently, a lot of disgusting trump supporters, young and old feel, that they have been validated by a government that represents their racist and xenophobic ideals and that they no longer have to be “PC”. Instead, they can unapologetically say exactly whatever is on their minds and evil hearts as Trump has all throughout his campaign.
And what is on their mind is that anyone who isn’t a heterosexual White male or female doesn’t belong here in America, America will only be great again when minorities are stomped back into a place of submission, and women have gotten a little bit too big for their britches by expecting to have control over their bodies.
So what does this mean for you if you are a Black woman, or in an interracial relationship with a Black woman or White man?
You need to be prepared.
We need to be smart and protect ourselves regardless of where we live. It doesn’t matter if you are in a blue state (like Connecticut or New York) or in the deep South. Pockets of racists have been hiding everywhere and these idiots are coming out from under their rocks to prey on people.
For me, protecting myself means not being caught off guard – being aware of my surroundings, listening to my gut – and arming myself. Right away I looked into getting a gun, but where I live it is not legal to carry a concealed weapon (that doesn’t mean your state won’t allow it though).
Additionally, my friends and I talked about learning self defense skills – many police departments offer these classes – and purchasing weapons that can be worn, or are easy to carry around on a keychain or in a pocket.
Here is a list of things I am considering that you may want to consider getting for yourself, your significant other, and your friends/family (be sure to check whether any of these items are illegal in your city or state):
I just saw a trailer for a movie that is coming out today called “Almost Christmas” and all I have to say is *Sigh*, especially to the gun bit at the end.
As one of the commenters on the youtube page noted the movie looks like a recycled carbon copy of the same old same old – “This Christmas” (2007 comedy). Not to mention, the stereotypical loud/ghetto, player/thug characters are a reincarnation of the other tired all-black movies that have been released in the last few years with a Christmas slant thrown on top (the Perfect Match, Think Like a Man, Baggage Claim, and any Madea movie, to name a few).
I am sure sometime within the next few years, we can expect another version of “Almost Christmas” with the same B and C list actors from 15 years ago (can the casting directors not find any new young black actors?) called “Basically Christmas”
My other issue with the current crop of black movies, besides barely ever introducing new actors and all the characters playing stereotypical caricatures, is that they always seem to be an ensemble cast. There will be like 50-11 actors and irrelevant subplots occurring at the same time (e.g. any Madea movie).
I know these types of movies keep getting produced because they are the ones the people seem to support, but is anyone out there writing good movies featuring black characters with some substance to it (not focused solely on race or slavery, isn’t melodramatic with lazy writing, and omits the hood humor?) Seriously, is a good black romantic comedy too much to ask for?
Thoughts? Will you be watching ALMOST CHRISTMAS this weekend or nah?
SIDE NOTE: At the very least, although the jokes were not funny, Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas (2013) did feature Tika Sumpter and Chad Michael Murray in an interracial relationship and they made for a pretty hot couple.
I love getting messages like these. I get them often, but don’t normally post them because I don’t want to toot my own horn, so to speak. However, I now realize that we should be champions of our work and proud of whatever we have worked hard to be proud of (and I am so very proud of my book).
So, it is with great pride and gratefulness that I share this testimonial with you. And if you have a testimonial regarding “How to be Irresistible to White men” changing your life feel free to keep ’em coming to my inbox, amazon, goodreads, itunes, nook, etc.
There’s a shift happening, folks 🙂
Hi, I just wrote a review for your book (how to be irresistible to white men). Just wanted to say that I really loved it. I bought it out of curiosity because I normally get plenty of attention from white men, and I was wondering what you learned from Asian ladies. It was really refreshing to read your thoughts, you are very honest, very insightful, and a breath of fresh air. You really nailed a lot of the issues we black women are having image wise. Part of my new year resolution, I recently stop patronizing a particular black women’s online hair forum I had been part of for a decade, because many of the posters were so dismissive of black women in IR relationships. I mean, that attitude was always there, but I finally realized after years of sisterly loyalty to this particular online group that it was doing me more harm than good and I stopped login in. My life has gotten so much better as a result of not logging in everyday to the typical negativities. Anyway, thank you for the audacity of writing such a book. I am sure plenty of Black women are helped by it.
Thanks so much for sharing your review with me and other potential readers, Jessy! I very much appreciate it and can’t wear to hear of more greatness sure to come into your life from un
plugging from the negativity.