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July 17, 2014 / admin

Should you Narrow or Expand your MUST HAVE List?

9781580629768_ps_0114_001We all have mental or physical lists that pertain to the ideal qualities we are looking for in a mate –

He/she has to be well educated, funny, tall, come from a good family, successful, and on and on and on.

Of course we all want the best mate we can find, but can such lists be preventing you from finding love? When does a list get to be too much, or when do you need to bump up your standards?

There are two schools of thought about putting such strict parameters on the people that you meet and potentially date.



The first is that if your list is as long as the bible, your expectations are way too high and you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you think anyone can live up to everything you want. Furthermore, most of us don’t even stack up to the gargantuan requirements we put on others. Are you making six figures, have the body of a greek goddess/god or the most patient, loving and kind person 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

Chances are the answer is no. You might be working towards that, and it’s always good to be improving and growing, but we all fall short in some way. So, to expect to find someone perfect when you are not perfect yourself is just wishful thinking.



7da58580On the other hand, should you lower your expectations and just settle for anyone who comes along?

Unfortunately,  this seems to be the popular school of thought in the Black community and especially, religious circles.

You shouldn’t demand too much of your partner – take the person as they are and love them anyway. Stop trying to hold out for a white collar man (on par with your job) and settle for that perfectly fine blue collar guy with slight anger/control issues and a few baby mamas. At least you won’t be lonely, right?



Look, I think either extreme can be damaging and the answer is to strike a balance. Black women tend to sell themselves way too short. Whereas other women demand and expect to be wooed, proposed to, provided for, etc. Black women are raked over the coals and branded gold diggers for asking the same.

There’s nothing wrong with setting expectations so you can filter out the people who have nothing to offer you or are simple not compatible with your values, goals and lifestyle. However, I believe the qualities should be more than just substance level (looks, material possessions) because that’s not so important in the grand scheme of things.

In other words make the list long in the areas that count, and obviously expand it to include all types of guys because you stand a better chance of finding someone who meets your requirements with a larger pool of people to choose from.

In addition, you might want to be flexible on the traits you haven’t yet mastered. In other words, if you are working out to get that body perhaps the trait you want in a mate is someone who is also health conscious and into healthy living as opposed to someone with six pack abs.





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  1. Scott Palmer / Jul 17 2014 2:37 pm

    First of all, want to say I enjoy this blog. I agree with your comments.

    I’ve dated 90% interracially over past 20 years and the issue of finding a perfect man is always “top of mind” for most women – white, black, green, whatever. Never settle for less than what you need or expect – trust, honesty, hard work, devotion, etc. However, if a woman (or man) is waiting for the perfect man, she (or he) is a) never going to be in a relationship or b) be disappointed when not everything is 100% ideal.

    Me: 6’2″, 210, 46, professional, workout 4x week, business owner, live in Tampa, Florida, attractive (so I’ve been told), own my house, like to try new things. If anybody out in cyberspace wants to chat and learn more, drop me a note at No drama. No games.

  2. TemptAsian / Feb 22 2018 8:28 pm

    Nice this post. I much like your blog very much and so i am a huge fan of it.

    This is my first time speaking here. I like this so much
    that I even shared on Twitter. Thanks again for the excellent post.

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