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December 4, 2013 / admin

White Reader Asks: How Can I Make my Black Date Comfortable in White Company?


Well… This is AWKWARD!

Barry from the UK wrote in with the following question (and it’s a good one):

” This is my dilemma, i met a really wonderful lady on the internet. She is my age and that’s a first for me, as im always seeming to date younger women. a few days after we met (online) she told me, “i just want to remind you that i am not white and that when we meet i don’t want you to be dissapointed” it was a strange thing to say because i had already “fallen” for her regardless of her race because of our mutual interests, views on life and her bubbly personality and intelligence. i asked her to never say that again and the question never came up again. However once i did feel that she was testing me again. She was on a Company holiday with colleagues and tweeted me “that she loves the Golf the Food the Water but that she was the only one with a tan” … ! i just gave a LoL comment, but it seems to me that being in a predominantly “white” Company, she is very aware of her colour. What can i do or say to make her feel at ease with me ? Oh by the way im meeting her on Friday and we are going to a very exclusive Club for dinner (her choice of venue). She seems to be very aware of Social standings and Society Prestige. Im not poor but im not materialistic at all … is it possible that she would change and become more down to earth, or am i wrong for even thinking of trying to change somebody?”

Barry, I’m so glad you asked this question!

It’s actually one of the things I go over in my new book in great detail, as many Black women sabotage themselves by doing exactly the same things your date is doing (although they claim to want to date White men)

From the letter, I hope it shows someone out there how off putting such behavior is. It screams insecurity and instantly gives a White man the red light when it comes to pursuing you seriously as a love interest. I mean, she thought he would be disappointed that she was ‘not White’. Way to broadcast that you think you’re inferior from the get go!

Ok, Barry, thank you for giving me the liberty to preach to the women here at your expense. I don’t delve too much into all that because all the information on what to avoid and how to do the exact opposite of what your date is doing is in the book. I wish there was some way you could gift it to her without her knowing, but that’s probably a little unrealistic. lol. Now, let me get to what YOU can do…

First of all, I don’t think she’s testing you. She seriously is just insecure about dating a White man and hasn’t learned how to be more comfortable around White people. I don’t think you can change her … and you wouldn’t be wrong to decide to bail in search of someone else who doesn’t have so many hangups about race.

If you are really into her though, the best thing you can do is give her time to get adjusted and get all the nonsense out of her system about feeling out of place around White people. Of course, you can try to have another talk with her about it and let her know that it concerns you that she seems uncomfortable around White people and chooses to make these comments all the time.

I’ll tell you up front that she may think you’re being too sensitive. She might not see why it’s a big deal for her to make her quips about race or speak freely whatever is on her mind. Some Black women just don’t get how they come across and can’t take constructive criticism. However, if you continue to react neutrally whenever she makes her comments, hopefully she will eventually get the gist and come around.

Best of luck, hun!

As usual, I now open the floor to the commenters to have their say! Sound off below and give this man some advice ya’ll! Don’t be shy 🙂

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10 Comments

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  1. JJinPA / Dec 4 2013 10:45 am

    The one troubling point for me was that she wanted to be taken to an expensive restaurant. It may mean nothing or it may point to the fact that she wants status and social position. If he is well off and can give that to her on a regular basis, fine. I understand that women have to be aware of the financial position of prospective husbands, but if he can’t give her a lavish life style, would she lose interest in him? As a white man, this would make me cautious.

    • pkayden / Dec 4 2013 4:31 pm

      Hopefully, he feels comfortable enough with her that he can explain that he’s not in a position to spend loads of $$$. If she’s looking for a rich man, she can look elsewhere.

  2. wanda / Dec 4 2013 9:17 pm

    I was fortunate enough being black to go to school , grow up, work, go to church, and participate in programs that allowed me to live with white families as a teen, and white teens lived with black families. as a result, im very comfortable with white people. I date white men. you have to be secure in yourself before you can be this way around others.. she may not be able to handle this relationship accept on line. on line isn’t the same as real life. goodluck sweetheart….

  3. Anny Lam / Dec 5 2013 6:09 pm

    You know what? It is up to the mindset. When black ladies work in a white company, try to be friendly with everybody. Where I work, some black women accompany with white males to go out for lunch, etc. It is not a big deal.

  4. kay / Dec 11 2013 9:51 pm

    The reason why many blacks are not comfortable is because of past experiences. I think she is projecting that. We still have to vet and be careful of people. There are men whose families reject them because of who they married or date.

  5. anderson / Jan 21 2014 7:20 am

    hopefully you can begin to distinguish which personality traits are due to insecurities around white people and which may be due to shallow social climbing. if this lady means to have a relationship with you, a white guy, she needs to accept that she will interact with “a white world” so the sooner she drops the issue the better….just treat people as people. I grew up in a white world and judge each person I meet individually, I do have some racial profile views but keep these in my head as a guide or caution, I think that’s natural….but there is no point blurting these out in the wrong place or company to pre-judge a situation, offend or influence positive new interactions. She sounds insecure and a little un-wise. Let her know how its spoiling your budding romance and introducing negativity – people need to learn to see the potential and positives in every situation.

    • kay / Jan 23 2014 10:38 pm

      Anderson we know all about the white world. Hence her hesitation. The history we blacks have with the white world is real and present!

  6. JJinPA / Jan 23 2014 4:45 pm

    It may just be my area, but in my experience the “white world” is more accepting of a black girlfriend than the “black world” is of a white boyfriend. Everyone in the Black Community seems to accept that a black man may date whom he wishes, but a black woman may only date a black man. Will someone explain that double standard to me.

    White guys who love black women do indeed abound, but we seem to be discouraged from doing so by the BC. I agree with Anderson that we should “just treat people like people,” but its got to work both ways.

    • kay / May 2 2014 12:25 pm

      JJ, Yes could be just in your area. The reason his GF behaved the way she did was because of past expriences. Deal with it. We live a racial world.

      • JJinPA / Jun 18 2014 11:18 am

        I guess you’re right and I wish it wasn’t so. But we should try to start a friendship or romance on the basis of trust. That’s why most girl want to have a first date that’s “safe,” one where there are lots of people around and a simple date like coffee or a school basketball game, etc. There are a lot of options out there for both black and white kids. We should at least consider them. I see more and more IR couples everyday—–and I live in a redneck area around Pittsburgh. If a black girl looks at a white man and see 300 years of oppression, that will only keep blacks and whites apart. There are a lot of white guys out there who really like black women. After all boys and girls are still boys and girls. Many men don’t see color. They see a girl with a pretty face and nice personality. There will always be prejudice out there, but its dying a fast death. Good riddance to it!

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