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September 4, 2013 / admin

Married to a Black Man, but Attracted to White Men…


The last line in the following note sent by a reader stood out to me because I’ve experienced something similar and this is not the first time I’ve heard this sentiment:

Wow! Thank you for a beautiful site. Not only does it validate the white man/black woman relationship but it’s a great source of information.I’m a black woman in my 30′s and have recently taken a liking to white men. Well actually, I liked and dated a white boy in high school but this was South Africa in the 90′s we had to hide our relationship and in the end it didn’t work out.I dated another white man in college but we broke up after I discovered he was married.

I decided to stick to brothers and I did, for about 12 years! Now in my 30′s and married to a black man but attracted to white men.

I have tried to deny my feelings but I can’t! Grrrrrr!

I have dated all types of men (though I’ve dated more White men than any other kind) and I’ve always felt a little guilty when dating black/other men because all the while I would find my head turning upon passing by a cute preppy white guy – I do tend to have a type.

It felt like I was giving my partner the short end of the stick, and I realized if I knew the guy I was dating felt that way I would not want him to stick around and be with me.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I totally thought the black/other men that I dated were cute and I was somewhat attracted to their personality/looks, otherwise I wouldn’t have dated them. But, I guess you could say that I was “spoiled” in that all of the previous white guys that I had dated possessed many characteristics that man of the black/other guys that I dated simply didn’t have. Perhaps it was just the way most white guys are raised – but I simply enjoyed my interactions with White men more…

And thus, despite dating the rainbow, I always found myself coming back to what I was most comfortable/happiest with: White men. Sue me?

I guess the reader didn’t really ask for advice, but I would say if you find yourself longing for White men or having a wandering eye because you’re more attracted to them than your current partner, you should do yourself and your hubby a favor and seriously consider if you should remain in your marriage.

Best of luck!

What say you?
Can you relate to my experience. Am I wrong/right in telling our reader she should follow her heart and let her hubby find someone who decidedly wants to be with him? Sound off below!

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10 Comments

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  1. newyorkman / Sep 4 2013 8:44 am

    I think she should stay committed to her marriage. I can understand feeling attraction to others, but I believe in honoring those vows. If she were not married, it would be a different story.

  2. smartacus / Sep 4 2013 9:57 pm

    I’d say that the right thing for her to do is to try and evaluate her husband on his own terms. Personally, I take marriage pretty seriously, so I think she should give hers every chance to work.

    When one’s unhappy in one’s marriage, it’s natural to get a wandering eye. But I’d say she should take a step back, consider her husband alone, and not bring other people into it. Is she really not attracted to him? Or is it just her interactions with her husband that are the problem? If it’s the latter, then she should work on what’s wrong with her relationship and see if those issues can be fixed, including with counseling.

    But if she’s truly got no sexual attraction to him at all, then maybe there’s nothing to be done but to end her marriage. That would be a really extreme and unfortunate set of circumstances if it turns out she’s married someone she had no desire for, simply because she felt required to marry within her race. But I guess it could happen …

    • newyorkman / Sep 4 2013 11:14 pm

      “I’d say that the right thing for her to do is to try and evaluate her husband on his own terms. Personally, I take marriage pretty seriously, so I think she should give hers every chance to work. When one’s unhappy in one’s marriage, it’s natural to get a wandering eye. But I’d say she should take a step back, consider her husband alone, and not bring other people into it.”

      That is how I see it. Her husband may not fit her idealized image, but she must have been attracted to him enough to get married. It is normal to see someone that we find a strong attraction to and believe we would be better off, but it is usually a fantasized belief. For me personally, I would have guilt feelings if I left a spouse, especially if they did no wrong. I hope she reads this and I would encourage her to work on her marriage.

  3. Dani / Sep 5 2013 12:12 am

    Your not wrong, you like who you like. However, I can honestly say I have no idea what to tell you, and I always have something to say lol. I wouldn’t tell you to leave your husband if he’s good to you because you never know if you will ever meet another good guy. But I would also say don’t lead your husband on if you know you don’t truly love him. This situation is complicated and I don’t know what I would do if I was in this situation. But I hope you figure everything out and choose the path that will make you happy. Best of luck !

  4. lorealleshell / Sep 6 2013 1:40 pm

    I understand that she might see other guys that are attractive, but just using that as a basis to end her MARRIAGE is a little absurd. It sounds like an excuse to break it off; she also sounds selfish and somewhat shallow.

    Saying that she is more attracted to white men is a little broad… does she enjoy her interactions with white men or is she just physically attracted to them? Has she held conversations with these men that she is attracted to? Why doesn’t she prefer black men? A good man is a good man regardless of skin color, right?

    What if her husband divorced her because he is not attracted to her anymore? What if he told her that he prefers white women or maybe even other men… she would feel betrayed. If she did not love her husband that much, but married him she should not have lied to him and herself from the get-go.

    • Pink / Nov 13 2013 12:33 pm

      “A good man is a good man regardless of skin color, right?”

      I don’t think so.

      People like what they like. Women have a right to value sex and physical attraction in a relationship just as men do. Her husband may very well be a good person, but that does not mean he is a suitable partner for her.

      Also, men leave women that they are no longer attracted to all the time. And other men don’t criticize them for it because men value physical attraction.

      This is what she said :”I decided to stick to brothers and I did, for about 12 years! Now in my 30′s and married to a black man but attracted to white men
      I have tried to deny my feelings but I can’t! Grrrrrr!.”

      She was always attracted to white men and even dated them but because interracial relationships were not as socially acceptable when she was younger and she had a bad experience with a married white man, she decided to take the path of least resistance and stay with black men. That was probably a wise decision at the time, but now things have changed and a relationship with a white man in South Africa should be less of a problem.

      If she is simply not attracted to black men, then she should end the relationship. But if she is generally attracted to black men and specifically to her husband, she should think about what other things in the marriage may not be working for her. Maybe they are just not compatible. She should also understand that there is nothing wrong with married people being attracted to someone other than their spouse and if she had a white husband, she would still find other white men attractive.

      I have always been attracted to white guys. Even as a little girl, I had crushes on white boys and white celebrities. People tried to make me feel bad about it. So in my early twenties, I tried to date black guys. It did not work. There was something missing. No matter how hard I tried, I could not experience sexual desire for black men. I had a black boyfriend once and he often complained about my poor sexual performance. I was in such misery (mentally and physically) when we were physically intimate because I had no desire for him at all. I did not want to tell him that black men are simply physically repulsive to me, as far as sex goes. Only a white guy can make me mad for sex (if I am attracted to him, of course). I personally have never seen a black man that stirred me sexually–NEVER.

      Life is short.and there are no guarantees. She may leave her husband and not find another “good” man that is true. But so what? She may stay with him and be even more miserable ten years from now and end up divorcing him anyway. Or he may end up leaving her and then she will regret not leaving sooner while she was young enough to attract quality men. For all we know, he probably secretly has a thing for white women and will one day leave to be with one. Look at the number of black men, some of them wealthy and famous, who moved on to white women after they became successful or developed the courage to pursue white women.

      Men stay in relationships as long as they want the woman or can’t get another woman they really want (any woman is better than no woman to most men because sex is so important to them). They have no real loyalty to women. So women should have no loyalty to men and stick around when they are not happy. No woman should love a man the way she would love her son, father, or brother.

      Personally, if I did not need a man for financial support, I would rather be single than be with a man that I am not attracted to.

  5. sd603 / Sep 9 2013 1:55 pm

    It’s reading stories like this that makes me and a lot of other people wary about marriage. An attraction to white guys = evaluating her commitment? Yikes!

  6. EBONY / Nov 15 2013 3:43 pm

    Would these comments say stay in the marriage if it was a black man who loved men? Should he live a lie and waste his wife time? There are open black women who date any race, then some who feel its their job to date only black men no matter what, then black women like myself…..I see a cute white guy and im willing! I see a black guy ….I see them just like I view women just possible friends,but not going past that. White men and some latinos turn me on. I too like the preppy type as well. Shes in her 30s and won’t be young forever to even start a family. I would file for divorce because it won’t last, so why wait so long? And soon maybe tempting to cheat when living a lie. Just like their are men who want only men, and just like there are white men who only date black women, there are black women like me who never needed sites to tell me to be open! Im happy in my relationship and feel full filled. If only black men existed I would honestly be a nun. Being honest…

  7. deam / Feb 20 2014 3:11 am

    This is a hard one, because yes one should stay committed to her marriage.
    However life is short and if she is not happy then she is not making him happy as well.
    He should have the right to be happy, and so should herself.
    They need counseling

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