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June 9, 2013 / admin

Honestly, You Asked! : No Holds Barred Interracial Advice Column


This week’s reader question comes from Beverly. (It’s a long one, so grab a bag of snacks, settle under the covers and read along)

Hello! I have a lot of questions and I would really like to have your opinion on these matters. So, I will apologize in advance for the length of this email. I have grown to love your blog and the exposure to interracial couples that it provides. I am a Vice President in a club and the guy I am writing about is the President. We met about five or six months ago when the club first began.Since the first time we met, he has been nothing but nice to me. He will often lean in to me and touch me, as in my arms or shoulders. At first I was alarmed by his eagerness to touch me, considering that we were simply acquaintances, but since he was friendly and not aggressive, I did not think too much of it.We attend different institutions, but he is very active in multiple activities and the area we live in is small. So I casually mentioned him to one of my extremely conservative friends and her response was, “He needs Jesus; he is just way too flirtatious sometime.” I myself am very conservative, so I have a hard time knowing what to do.About three months ago, I noticed that he would smile at me, stare at me,and make an obvious effort to talk to me more often. Our positions require he and I contact each other a lot, so it is hard for me to discern whether his friendliness is out of an effort to be a good leader or perhaps something more. He is always concerned with how I am and what my opinion is on various matters, but he will still usually agree with whatever I have to say.Actually, two weeks ago, he sent me an email speaking of normal club business and then at the end he wished me good luck on my finals and hoped that I was not too stressed about them. Mind you, we attend different schools, and I told him about the stresses of finals two weeks prior to when he sent the actual email, which was exactly during my finals week.

At our last meeting, he even gently brushed his knee against mine and did not move it away. When the meeting was over, he put his arm around me and placed his chest on my back and smiled down at me. I was completely surprised and excited by this. However, before everyone left, someone asked him to give them a hug and he followed through quite passionately. For the rest of the time, she (who is white like him) seemed entirely too interested in him, speaking softly, and carrying on as though they were a couple. I seemed to be non-existent, for that quick moment, and this actually disappointed me a little.

Since I just met him recently, I am unsure of their past, but I do know this was her last meeting. Now, my friend’s words are worrying me more than ever because I am concerned that I am just another girl to him. I do not even know if he is actually interested in me. For all I know, he could only consider me as a friend. We have become familiar with each other and will lightly joke around. He flirts with me too; a lot of the signs are there. He will smile at me, always sit next to me in our meetings, and compliment my leadership skills and the like, but the last occurrence has me wondering.

Surely, it could have been something simple, but perhaps it was not. What do you think? Is he interested in me, or is he just aimlessly flirting? Whatever you think, could you let me know where to go from there? It has gotten to the point where I may be actually beginning to like him.

Now, here is the point where I especially need your help. I think a lot of my “apprehensiveness” has developed also since we are of two different nationalities (he is white and I am black), so I do not honestly think I am the “type” of person he would be interested in. I am a confident, bubbly, darker African-American with natural hair and I have a few curves. I myself, am colorblind when it comes to guys and people in general. My family, we are actually quite conservative, so perhaps that is why we have always been comfortable with other races. I even went to primarily white private schools when I was younger. My best friend, whom I have had since preschool is white herself.

My concern, however, lies with him. Our fathers are both well-known in the area, his for political matters and mine for religous. I have become familiar with his family and they have been nice to me as well. In fact, recently his father told me that I have “an infectiously wonderful smile.” While that was so very nice, I am not sure if he would like his son dating someone who is black either. I am conservative, but how can I relay to him that his color does not matter to me and that I find him attractive? I would really appreciate your opinion on this. Especially since after reading your blog, I have learned a lot from you and appreciate your work. Thank you.

Ok, Beverly, I read all of this but my advice is going to be pretty lengthy. I’m going to have to come back and update this post but wanted to put it out there for the hive to read and provide their helpful feedback on the matter.

Ladies and gentlemen – you know you love to give other people advice, so have at it in the comments section below. And remember, we don’t hold back here. Tell the truth or shame the devil! 🙂

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6 Comments

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  1. Kiwiwriter / Jun 9 2013 5:15 pm

    My personal take is…take the initiative…seize the day. If he’s as conservative as you are, he may not have the slightest idea how to express his interest in you. He probably knows what he wants, but he doesn’t know how to go and get it…and giving hints may be not enough.

    Take him to lunch, ostensibly about club or school business, and do some very serious flirting. If you don’t make a move, you may spend the rest of your life wondering what might have happened.

  2. Xai / Jun 9 2013 8:03 pm

    Under no circumstance should you bring up the subject of his intentions. It is up to him to make his intentions clear. You will be at a very awkward disadvantage should you approach him in any manner other than a friend or colleague. Either this guy is playing games, aka the comment he needs Jesus. Or he’s pretty obtuse or just a friendly gregarious guy. You should get a grip and sort out your own feelings. Questions: when is he flirtatious? When you two are alone or in front of others. What is his reputation? I’d put my ear to the ground and find out. What about past girlfriends? What is he saying to others about you. What are the consequences of a relationship with him if he does make his intentions clear. Will there be repercussions to your scholastic or professional life. How will it effect your respective dads friendship. Until your pal comes clean I’d stop the touchy feely. I’d even mention interest in another man just to get a reaction. Tread carefully and vet him like Sherlock. Good Luck.

    • Darren / Jun 10 2013 1:29 pm

      Ask him if he has a girlfriend. That will send him a signal that you are interested in his personal life. It may also spark up a conversation about dating. If he asks why your asking, just say he seems like a nice guy and that you were just curious. By his reaction from the question you should be able to tell if he is interested or not. Good luck. By the way, what club do you guy belong too?

  3. smartacus / Jun 15 2013 6:10 pm

    Personally, you say that you feel like he’s flirting with you but you’re not sure. Do you ever flirt back with him? (Sitting close to him, lots of eye contact, gentle touching, etc) Do you talk about personal and fun subjects, or only club business?

    I’d start by returning his subtle overtures and see how he responds.

    As to coming straight out and asking him what his interest in you is, I’d say that depends on what you feel will be the repercussions of rejection. If you don’t really care about the possibility of rejection, then you should ask him (assuming that flirting back with him doesn’t already prompt him to ask you out). On the other hand, if you feel the repercussions would be too awkward, then I guess it’s best to move on. It’s ultimately your call.

    As to worrying about what his family will think, don’t think about that yet unless he reciprocates your interest. That’s putting the cart ahead of the horse.

  4. Maxwell B. Tate / Jun 25 2013 10:41 am

    thank you sooo much!!!! wow what nice words of wisdom! and yeah haha your tellin me!! he really does have a wierd way of showing his emotions at times… and yes alot of commotion and drama has happened it has been so difficult and hard and confusing all combined…which is why i put into consideration that he has liked me this entire time and didnt want to get into as much bullying as i did… i really want to talk to him about this in person and get it all out, his phone is broken right now, so weve been messsaging online. should i ask him to hangout and discuss this over dinner? how should i approach this properly because he rarely txts or talks to me in person.. hes insanely shy infront of others…which is why i feel i must do it in private in person…. i just want to clear the air and start over and get back to what we were all those months ago before another crazy year at school. And yes ill definitely try that!!! and thanks!

    • NaturalBeauty / Jun 27 2013 12:19 pm

      Hi everyone. I really do appreciate the good advice. I am unsure though of what Maxwell B. Tate is speaking of. Perhaps he was attempting to imitate me or he was having a few issues of his own. Again, I will certainly use the advice given because I do appreciate all of it. 🙂

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