Skip to content
April 18, 2013 / admin

Where are the Openminded Black Women?


This note just came in from Darren, a reader of the blog:

I’m in a relationship with a black woman that’s about to come to an end. Our differences are just to much to overcome. I’m attracted to black woman,but I find that black woman that like white men,like a certain type of white man. Like Justin Timberlake or Eminem. I’m not like those guys. Musically I like hard rock/ metal for the most part. Other music too, but pop,hip hop, or rap, I’m just not into. I don’t watch reality tv, and for the most part, don’t know much or care about pop culture. I didn’t vote for Obama and disagree with his politics. BTW,I didn’t vote for Romney either. I’ve gone out with woman of all races and had differences in those areas, but it never kept us from having fun and having a good relationship. But my soon to be ex just let all that get in the way from us finding common ground and growing our relationship. I would think its just her, but I am a bartender at a casino and I work with allot of cocktail servers of all races and I find that all the black woman are like that. They all seem to like the same music,tv shows,movies, and think the same politically. Are their black woman out their that are more open minded on music, politics, and maybe want to watch history channel sometimes instead of real housewives, or, MTV? I hope so. Like I said, I’m attracted to black woman, I just wish I could find one I have more in common with.Darren

To Darren I say:

Of course there are Black Women out there that are open minded, but I do agree many women let the little things that are insignificant get in the way of them building a relationship. All too many Black Women think if they date a White man they have to have the same exact beliefs on everything; down to the type of music they like to listen to and tv shows they watch.

Newsflash ladies! These things are NOT important in the grand scheme of things. The important things that matter are your goals, morals, values. There are plenty of couples who co-exist happily despite one voting for Romney and the other for Obama.

And furthermore, many Black women in relationships with Black men don’t see eye to eye on everything.

Darren, keep looking for someone you share commonalities with on the important things; the deal breakers. But also know, that unfortunately some women’s deal breakers are pretty shallow. Look into whether you have a part to play in any contention that comes out of a different viewpoint. Do you stress the issue? Do you try to change the woman’s mind? Do you make her feel like she’s wrong? Once you come upon something that you disagree upon, listen and be open yourself and then move on to the next subject. Make sure she knows it is not a big deal by treating it as such.

Ladies and gents of the blog…. what do you think?

Help Darren out and let me know if you Agree or Disagree below

Advertisements

109 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. caloniedoesart / Apr 18 2013 4:31 pm

    At this point in my life, I rather date outside my race based on how Black men can generally be (not all black men are like this, but many are): they always try to be so macho or have ‘swag’ (hate that word) instead of being themselves (even if that ‘self’ is goofy, I prefer that over conceit), they usually listen to thug music, the more slack types dress poorly (baggy EVERYTHING), they are not that great at committing to the point of marraige proposal, they can be too rough as far as their personality (sweetness level in dire need).
    Like I said, not all Black men are like this, but may are and I am tired of it. I am often attracted to men of other races. They also have their issues, but many of them are different. They are sweeter, less ‘swagger’ crap, they don’t mind being themselves, they are into a lot of different things (music, interesting happenings for ex.).
    I feel I fit the mode of ‘not the usual Black woman’. I am very artistic and even my friends call me ‘eclectic’ (lol!). I hate most crunk and hate ALL thug music (ignorance). I adore rock because it is more about real people and less about blingbling, posers and sex. I listen to The Black Keys, Led Zeppelin, The Ramones, Little Dragon (a trip-hop group), Gorillaz (more trip-hop), gospel (gotta have that) and Mozart is my fave classical musician. I watch the History Channel and like survival reality shows. But I do fit in some Housewives when they are not being TOO dumb. I am a minor Democrat, conservative leanings.
    But I just described the stuff I like up there to give men of other races a picture that not ALL Black women are the same. Stereotyping is not healthy or smart. There are millions of ways we can differ from one another. I didn’t list those things above to detract from what is important, though. Because as you said in reply to Darren: “These things are NOT important in the grand scheme of things. The important things that matter are your goals, morals, values. There are plenty of couples who co-exist happily despite one voting for Romney and the other for Obama.”
    What I would like most in a guy is for him to love God more than me (because then He will be more of a conscientious person; if you have no relationship with God or at least trying to build that sincerely, then you can’t even talk to me), to BE HIMSELF (do not present a pretentious image just trying to impress, it comes off wrong), to meet in the middle so we can compromise on preferences as far as what we like to do.
    And if a guy values value, then he should be looking for the same things in me.

  2. caloniedoesart / Apr 18 2013 4:34 pm

    At the beginning of my reply I wrote: “Like I said, not all Black men are like this, but may are”. I meant “many are”.

  3. absolog / Apr 18 2013 5:39 pm

    Darren,

    The reason I enjoyed reading you post was because I am kinda in the same boat, thought wise that is. I am in a relationship with a white guy and although I’m aware people stare because of our difference in race, the other reason they stare is because they wonder why is that girl with that type of white man. My guy is not a babe magnet but he sure as hell attracted me. I was more interested in him because he allowed me to be me. Let me explain…I do NOT like reality TV and could care less what any housewife does with their time, I don’t listen to rap, pop music and am not a big fan of current R&B. I like to watch programs that teach me a thing or two, but I have to admit Seinfeld and Frasier reruns and Big Bang Theory are a guilty pleasure. I didn’t vote for Obama or Romney, but that’s because I don’t vote. My policy is to know who won, and what my new role is. I obey the laws of the land which is my duty as human.

    Most of the time I meet guys they think I’m boring because I’m not into what the majority of society seems to be into, I’ve even been told I’m not black enough. My solution was this…I don’t date the men I’m not compatible with, I date those I am compatible with and it doesn’t matter to me what that person looks like, it matters to me how he makes me feel. My advice to you, Don’t commit to a relationship until you discover she’s what you are looking for. Simply put…DATE…and while doing so you’ll discover if the two of you are compatible and if a relationship is next. If not, the two of you should understand that you are better suited with someone else and should be able to go your separate ways with no hard feelings.

    I hope this helps and success to you in the future finding someone compatible.

    Absolog

    • Darren / Apr 19 2013 4:29 am

      Thanks for your reply

      • Warhorse18 / Jun 11 2013 9:45 pm

        I’m sorry about your relationship. You’ll heal and find someone soon Darren. I’m generally spot on about these things;) Believe me, girls who have likes and dislikes similar to yours are out there. I’ve met and am friends with some, but even though we seem to be few the most important thing is that we’re there. I’m a fairly young woman, but what I’ve learnt over the past few years is that meeting someone who you believe might be compatible with you depends a lot on the environment you are in.

        I’m a black woman who’s a diehard rock and metal fan (A Perfect Circle, Job for a Cowboy, Nile, Machine Head, Lacuna Coil, Scar Symmetry, Lamb of God and a lot of scandinavian metal). I listen to a lot of other genres of music too, but rock and metal are my babies to the point where even used to do vocals and guitar for a death metal band. (Hoping to start again soon! \m/ )

        I’ve never been into what people seem to label as “black music” and often get made fun of and ridiculed by other black people who don’t understand me and seem to want to put me in a box. My attraction to white men only seems to bring out people’s ignorance more.

        I agree with absolog’s answer about trying not to date people who you aren’t compatible with. You’ll only make each other miserable. I hope my answer was somewhat helpful 🙂

    • Insomniac / Apr 22 2013 9:07 pm

      Very, very, very well put.

      • absolog / Apr 23 2013 10:00 am

        Thank you, I appreciate your comment.

  4. Dani / Apr 18 2013 8:55 pm

    Darren,

    Well duh there are black women who are open minded. We don’t all think the same,and it would be ignorant if you thought all of us did. I for one think rap music is absolute BULLSHIT ! I don’t listen to that crap and never will. I know black people who think I’m strange for not being into their stupid rap culture bullshit, so I completely understand what your saying. And I don’t really watch reality t.v that much and I don’t watch MTV at all. As to the Obama part, I don’t know why so many black people like him anymore because he’s hardly done anything in 4 years. But the fact of the matter is there are black women out there who are actually looking for white men who are intelligent, kind, loving, caring, respectful, successful and have integrity. I know because I am one of them and I know other black women who do as well. The women you have been around are clearly brainwashed by society to listen to music that degrades them, watch reality shows that makes black women look like savages, and support politicians who do nothing for their communities.

    Don’t give up on finding the right black woman. She’s out there. Just stop fooling around with women who are clearly brainwashed by society

    • Darren / Apr 19 2013 4:27 am

      Thanks for your reply. I didn’t mean to imply that all black woman are the same. It just seems that way sometimes. Maybe it’s just where I’m from.

      • anna / Apr 28 2013 1:01 am

        Darren,
        I am sorry that you are having trouble finding a BW with whom you feel compatible.

        I am a BW and I have to agree with you that many BW are very shallow and not open to learning and enjoying new things. I have few BW friends because, like you, I just don’t share the interests of typical BW. You are not likely to find the type of BW that you like in a casino.

        I think that you should date only BW who have an almost exclusive attraction to white men and who feel uncomfortable with black culture and black people, in general. That type of BW is much more likely to be compatible with a white guy like you. Do not date a BW who does not share your interests hoping that she eventually will. If she is too “black” in her behavior and tastes when you first meet her, do not waste any time getting to know her. Choose a BW who already acts and thinks “white” and is very comfortable becoming a part of your “white” world.

        Other people here may disagree with me, but the only successful relationships between BW and WM that I personally know of are ones in which the BW was the type that really did not fit in with other black people and who was probably accused of acting white when she was young and lived among blacks. She probably always liked white guys and just was not into black men.

        I love white guys and I prefer them 100 times more than other men. I never felt comfortable with black people and I always liked “white” music; black people used to tease me about my taste in music and my intellectual interests. I chose to go to a predominantly white college because I wanted to get away from black people and be able to date white guys. I simply feel more comfortable with white people than blacks or other nonwhites. I currently live in a mostly white neighborhood and I am not bothered by the lack of black people. In fact, outside of my biological family and my few close black female friends (who also act “white”) I don’t care if I see any black people.

        Choose a woman that has a thing for real white guys, not a woman who wants a BM with white skin. I personally want my white man to be lily white. I don’t care if he is conservative or liberal, but he has to be happy with his whiteness, because I don’t want a white man who wants to act or be black.

    • TXChocolat / Jun 23 2013 12:39 pm

      Hi Darren,

      I hope you find exactly what you are looking for. I am a black woman living in Houston, Texas and prefer to date Caucasian men. I was a member on Interracial dating central for about 1 month, On Zoosk for about 1 month just recently canceled my membership on both. I met one guy on Zoosk, we went out but he there were some underlying issues from his childhood that raised a lot of red flags. I met a lot of weird guys

      I was even attacked verbally by a black guy (WHO SENT ME A WANT TO MEET REQUEST) and I simply replied, “Not Interested” He got offended because my preference also included that I am not attracted to men that smoke and men that wear earrings. My profile specifically stated “Ebony seeking Caucasian Love” If I could have put it in neon lights I would have. I believe it was my right to choose who I allow in my life. I believe there has to be a physical connection on both ends. I prefer men who are clean cut and well groomed and by all means non smokers- that’s just my preference and we all have them.

      I do not listen to rap music, My preference in jazz, country, worship, orchestra/symphony ( I love strings) 80’s rock. I am not into the reality shows. I just want to meet a nice white guy who is attentive, loving, caring, romantic and affectionate. I have gone out on a couple of dates and the opening of entry doors, car door, questioning if there’s anything I need or want was mind blowing but yet very welcomed. Many men don’t know how to be affectionate and many black women crave that, at least I do. The simple gestures like holding hands, sneaking a kiss just because, the rubbing on the back, cuddling.. just the simple things mean so much.

      Darren- don’t give up. She is out there. You may have to raise your standards a bit also- the type of black female you desire. Everything that glitters is not gold. Don’t settle for less. I wish you the best!!

  5. Marie Fischer / Apr 19 2013 12:15 am

    Darren,

    Just keep doing the things you like and you will meet your ideal woman. I am not just saying this for lip service. When I met my husband he was a Ron Paul supporter, working at a metal excision as the IT manager and listed to Alternative rock and he met me. I was an IT tech at another metal excurion plant who voted for Ron Paul and listened to Alternative Rock. So it can happen.

    • Darren / Apr 19 2013 4:28 am

      Thank for your reply.

  6. Darren / Apr 19 2013 5:58 am

    Thank you all for the replies.

  7. wanda / Apr 19 2013 7:52 pm

    hi darren ; just keep being you sweetheart. never change yourself for anyone. that special lady who can accept you for you will come along. no, all black women are not the same. i love r&b, but not rap. i think the best part of interracial relationships are allowing ourselves to be openminded. seeing other cultures. learning new things. expanding our minds. you cant help what your preference is. mine is white men. when all is said and done, when you go to bed at night, nobody will be in that bed but the 2 of you. be true to yourself. good luck. hope you find the lady meant for you. God bless.

  8. Xai / Apr 20 2013 6:48 pm

    Darren I work in chemical dependency at a large hospital. I know most of the male workers, who are white, like most of the patients. Are all white men like the workers and patients???? Your job as a bartender is as skewed a reality as my job in chemical dependency. The difference is I don’t color my world based on the tiny skewed microcosm of the world that is my job. Hell no all black women aren’t alike.
    I hate rap but I DID vote for Obama, proud of it. Since my ancestors fought and died for my right to do so, I take pride in exercising my right to vote. I would NOT form a close relationship with anyone who belittles my choices and since who governs us has a hell of a lot to do with how much freedom I get to exercise as a human and as a black female I vet for compatibility in this area as well in other areas. Perhaps as a white male this escapes you. So how tolerant are you? How diplomatic are you? How flexible, how nonjudgmental are you? Why not date black women you’d meet at metal concerts or clubs. In truth I don’t think you really know many black women. You are not innocent in the scenario you described. Your ex has the right to be who she is. Did she hide her beliefs ? Did you vet her for compatability? Stop making a poor choice the fault of all black women, not buying it. Thought you might want to see another side of the equation.

    • anna / Apr 28 2013 7:51 am

      Your response to Darren was needlessly angry. No need to tell him “hell no” all BW are not alike.

      And why tell him that he is not innocent. What is he guilty of/

      If he is genuinely confused about how to find the right BW, then he is in fact innocent.

      • Xai / May 21 2013 6:41 pm

        These are YOUR feelings, not mine. We’ ll have to agree to disagree. Barry is a grown man and not innocent. I asked him questions that needed asking. Nothing is ever all one persons fault. He, like the rest of us needs to look at BOTH sides of the equation. I also don’t coddle men or anyone for that matter. So what is….is, I stand by my questions and their tone.
        Xai

  9. caramelrose / Apr 21 2013 11:06 pm

    I’m in a relationship with a white guy… He likes the same music as Darren… I like music so I’m open to all genres but as I get older rap and hip hop are not in my top choices as much…. We share some of the same interests Darren listed but then we have our individuality and respect that. Our values, goals and morale are in line with each other as that along with communication is what keeps our relationship strong. The irony is I made the decision to date interracial because it was difficult dating black men who did not share my interests which some deemed as “non-black”. I’ve never been this happy in any of my relationships.

    • Darren / Apr 22 2013 3:51 am

      Thanks for the reply. Your boyfriend is a lucky guy.

      • caramelrose / Apr 22 2013 7:02 am

        Thanks… We both are lucky. It’s unfortunate that you relationship is ending. I’ve learned that you will never have the perfect partner as know one is perfect. When you meet someone you have to make a decision on what you can handle when it comes to their “negative” things. These things are the deal breakers for you that you could not tolerate or put up with in any relationship. Your decision should be prior to getting involved in a committed relationship or marriage. Your issues over music, politics and interests should be respected between the both of you guys. It’s a part of your individuality. I’m sure there are things you have in common and enjoy. Focus on and embrace those things when it comes to spending quality time together. Keep the individual interests to your friends or be open to trying or participating in what interests your partner. For example my boyfriend likes to sky diving, scuba diving and hiking. Things I’ve never done but I’m willing to try scuba diving and hiking. I have fear of heights so sky diving is out. He understands and respects that but happy I’m open to trying some things we don’t have in common. We both do this for each other.

  10. bnwmate / Apr 22 2013 6:07 am

    Keep on searching ’til you find the right woman bro. It took me a few tries before I found my perfect lady, and the pics are on my blog. I personally prefer to go out with black ladies (as my blog name BNWMATE stands for black and white), and I’m not sure which part of the world you’re from, but here in South Africa, the black ladies have so much more respect for their men and are better lovers too. I’d like to follow your blog if you’d allow.

    • anna / Apr 28 2013 8:25 am

      I am glad you mentioned this.

      I think Darren should try dating black women who are not African American (and who identify with their culture of origin). However, depending on where he lives, that may be difficult.

      Foreign black women are different from African American women. They usually respect men more and they are willing to be more adaptable in order to make a relationship work. Also, if they are not African American, they will have less baggage with regard to IR relationships with white men and they will likely be more open to white culture. After all, they had to learn to adapt to living in a foreign country. African American culture is as foreign to a foreign black as white American culture. Foreign BW are usually not ashamed of being attracted to WM as many African American women are. Many foreign blacks just want to see their daughters/sisters with a man who cares about her and treats her well, so that also works in a WM’s favor.

      And the truth is, many foreign BW see white men as a prize, the same way that many Asian women do. They see WM as good providers and protectors and foreign BW are much less likely to be hard feminists who feel that they should have to do nothing to make a man happy.

      I myself am not African American. I came to America at a young age, but I never really became a part of the African American communities in which I lived. I just did not feel like one of them. I was not attracted to African American women for friendship and I had no romantic interest in black men. I did not consciously reject them, I just did not allow pressure and guilt to keep me from seeking out the like-minded people that I felt comfortable with and was attracted to.

      • Darren / Apr 30 2013 5:00 pm

        Thanks for your reply. Yes it’s a problem sometimes with black woman,and men for that matter, allowing themselves to be defined by their race and what a “real black” person is. It happens all too often when a black person doesn’t think or act a certen way they are called names like Oreo, or Uncle Tom. I’ve been accused of racism because I disagree with president Obamas politics. Not to get too political, but I do think politicians,as well as others in media, like to keep people “in their place” and dependent on them. But that’s a different discussion. My problem is that I find black woman attractive but difficult to connect with on an emotional level. I’m sure in time I will find my soulmate whatever her race may be.

      • Mia / Jun 26 2013 1:49 am

        Girl BYE! (Smirk on my face)

      • Toni / Jun 12 2014 12:59 am

        Anna.dear you sound desperate.lol…..and I think most,of the white men that are responding desire african american women.

  11. Auktober / Apr 22 2013 2:39 pm

    I am a black woman that is attracted to white men and I believe I am fairly open-minded. Personally, I love power metal and hard rock. Just as you do not appreciate being placed in a specific model neither do we. No human is perfect; however, I believe there is a perfect person for everyone. Couples must be willing to wade through petty differences to find the spark that united them at the start. We as humans are so willing to give up in the face of adversity, instead of attacking it. At the heart of the matter, we are humans not crayons. Find a way to be human together.

    -Auktober

    • gotmojo68Darren / Apr 23 2013 4:13 pm

      Thanks for the reply.

  12. Insomniac / Apr 22 2013 9:14 pm

    I’m glad you shared this experience, and your feelings about it. There are some black women who aren’t into reality shows or passionate about rap&hiphop. I’m one. My ringtone is a Daniel Merriweather song; I listen to alternative rock and jazz! One way you can tell what a bw likes is to ask, and then observe, because sometimes a woman may respond with what she thinks YOU would like–but it not be her at all–and then you end up in your current situation.

  13. gotmojo68Darren / Apr 23 2013 4:14 pm

    Thanks for your reply.

  14. sickowonsuu / Apr 26 2013 5:22 am

    I’m sure there are a lot of open minded black women out here in the world. I’m mostly into heavy thrash metal music like slayer and megadeth. So just keep searching I’m sure you will snag a great one.

    • Darren / Apr 26 2013 1:32 pm

      Hey, thanks for the reply. Your a very rare woman. I don’t think I’ve ever met a black woman that liked Slayer.

  15. Christine / Apr 29 2013 5:16 pm

    I would just say it has to do with maturity. A woman over 25-27+ really shouldn’t be into MTV nor Real Housewives I would say. Im sure the right one is out there.

    • Darren / Apr 30 2013 1:16 pm

      Thanks for the reply.

  16. anna / May 1 2013 10:46 am

    Darren: “My problem is that I find black woman attractive but difficult to connect with on an emotional level. ”

    I have met many white men who have had this experience, so don’t feel that there is anything wrong with you. I have had white men ask me to introduce them to a black woman who acts and thinks like me. And the sad thing is, I have never been able to do that because the few BW I know who are like me don’t need anyone to play matchmaker, because white men don’t have any problems relating to them.

    Black women seem to have the hardest time connecting emotionally with men of other races. This is to their detriment, as they are being left out of the dating game. I get so sick of hearing BW complain about BM dating out. What they really should be doing is examining why men of other races are so reluctant to have serious relationships with BW. I don’t care for BM, but I do give them credit for being more flexible in their ability to relate to women of other races.

    I understand your attraction to BW and I hope you have some positive experiences with them soon. I hope you don’t end up disliking them. I knew a white guy who gave up on BW because he got sick of them; he was so unlucky, he did not find a BW with whom he could connect emotionally and by the time he moved on from BW, he really disliked them. White guys seem to have a lot of trouble identifying BW that can be compatible with them, whereas BM seem to have less trouble finding the white women that they can connect with. I wonder why.

    Anyway, good luck with finding Ms Right, whatever her race. Most BW who date IR are looking for a white man who thinks and acts black.

    • absolog / May 1 2013 12:06 pm

      I’m going to have to disagree with your last statement and judging by your previous comments on your constant acts to distance yourself from BW and stay closer to the white side of the tracks, one would think you would be the last person to comment about what most BW look for in an IR relationship…remember you said you only have a few black friends, so I’m guessing you are referring to them as far as them wanting to date WM who think and acts black…but then again you said they act a lot like you which is the reason they are your few black friends and you don’t like to date BM so I’m sure you don’t date white men who act black…So seriously where are you getting the information about most BW who date IR and what they are looking for. Frankly, your advise sucks and you really should find something else to do with your time.

      • anna / May 6 2013 9:54 am

        “Frankly, your advise sucks and you really should find something else to do with your time.”

        And what about you?
        Should you not find something else to do with your time?

        You are so immature that you cannot tolerate a dissenting opinion.
        Why do you need to tell me that my advice sucks?
        Why was it not enough to say that you disagree with me? You certainly have a right to disagree with me.

        My advice was for Dareen, not for you. If Darren does not like the advice, he is free to leave it. This is a public space where people are free to leave their opinion, or at least I thought it was. I did not realize that people are allowed to say only what makes YOU feel good.

        If I am wrong about BW and IR, then why are you so upset?
        If I am wrong, then BW are having a great time dating IR and they are snatching up all the good white men.
        If I am wrong then white men with Darren’s experience are like a needle in a haystack.
        But you know that I am not wrong.

      • Xai / May 21 2013 6:50 pm

        Thank you absolog for taking the words right out of my mouth. I agree 100%. Also amused by the commenters attempts to place herself above American born black women. Geesh!

    • gotmojo68 / May 1 2013 1:43 pm

      I think the reason BM have an easier time dating outside their race is because its easier to find woman that like the same things as BM. This is what I’ve been saying is my problem. Finding a white woman that likes hip hop and rap and likes the same kind of movies and tv and think the same politically is easier then finding a black woman that likes rock music, history channel, and is more libertarian/conservative. By the way, I wouldn’t let these issues stop me from getting close to a BW, but I think these issues are preventing BW from letting good WM into their lives. This is why I originally said “open minded” black woman. I know that are not all BW are not the same. I guess I was just airing out my frustrations with my currant girlfriend, who is black, and is letting our differences affect our relationship. But it’s more than that, that’s getting in our way. We’re just drifting apart. I’m just airing my frustrations and seeking a BW opinion. And if I make some friends along the way, than great. I’m glad I’m getting allot of responses. And I appreciate the different opinions. Feel free to keep them coming.

      • anna / May 6 2013 10:22 am

        “I think the reason BM have an easier time dating outside their race is because its easier to find woman that like the same things as BM. This is what I’ve been saying is my problem. Finding a white woman that likes hip hop and rap and likes the same kind of movies and tv and think the same politically is easier then finding a black woman that likes rock music, history channel, and is more libertarian/conservative.”

        And that is why I advised you to go after black women who act “white”, think “white” and like “white” things. I knew that a lot of people here would be offended by my advice.
        But the typical BW is not going to share your interests. You need an atypical BW. The BW here will insist that there are legions of BW who would be happy with a white guy like you, but they are not being truthful.

        I think you should let that relationship go. Wish her well and move on. The two of you are not compatible. Compatibility cannot be forced.You don’t need the stress of being with someone with whom you are not compatible. You should not have to force her to be open-minded to your interests.

        .

    • Dani / May 1 2013 2:22 pm

      “Most BW who date IR are looking for a white man who thinks and acts black.” <— That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard and couldn't be the farthest from the truth. It wouldn't make sense for black women to date white men who act black, that's the whole point of not dating a black man in the first place Anna. And for you to say that gives the impression that black women are stupid and that's not true. How can you seriously say most black women want to date wm who act like bm???? MOST of the black women I know who date wm are with them because wm are more intelligent, more respectful, more successful, stable and family oriented. THAT's the reason MOST black women date wm not the ridiculous reason you just gave smh. Please think before you post something slamming black women the next time.

      • absolog / May 1 2013 2:44 pm

        Amen!!! you should read her other posts…I think she has an issue with black women in general and she clearly shows that and is trying her hardest not to be a black woman but hears a news flash for her AZZ, no matter how far you distance yourself from it and who you surround yourself with, you will always be viewed as a black woman because YOU ARE A BLACK WOMAN…

      • anna / May 6 2013 9:33 am

        I stand by what I said.

        There are two groups of BW who date IR: one group genuinely likes or prefers white men (this includes women who like all men, irrespective of race) and the other group is trying to use white men as substitutes to alleviate the shortage of available black men. The second group is, by far, the larger of the two and women in this group are the ones who want white men who act black.

        Many BW are dating white men because of the shortage of BM. Many are angry at BM for choosing non-black women, so they want to date white men to get back at BM and to boost their ego. Most of them are not doing it because they are attracted to white men. If you have read any of the BWE blogs, it is clear that there is a lot of anger and resentment among many of the BW who are turning to IR. Some of those blogs have stated clearly that BW should marry white men for their resources and for “protection”. They believe that marrying white men will improve the status of BW. They don’t care about love, sexual attraction or compatibility.

        I am not slamming BW. The low IR marriage rate for BW speaks for itself.
        Most white men share Darren’s experience.

        The problem with many BW is that they want to hear only what makes them feel good. Later for the truth. And any black person who does not agree with a BW’s opinion is a hater.

        The problem with black women is that they want to hear only what makes them feel good.

      • Danielle / May 28 2013 6:32 pm

        Amen Dani!

  17. deedee / May 4 2013 11:38 am

    You’ve just been picking the wrong black women. There are black women out there that you can find common ground with, but you will have learn to deal with a few tv shows and so wi but as with relationshipyou have to work at it, . Good luck

    • Darren / May 5 2013 5:57 pm

      I can deal with differences. What I can’t deal with is when so much importance is placed on those differences that it stands in the way of allowing a relationship to blossom. Or even allowing it to start in the first place.

      Thanks for the reply.

  18. anna / May 6 2013 10:52 am

    absolog: “Amen!!! you should read her other posts…I think she has an issue with black women in general and she clearly shows that and is trying her hardest not to be a black woman but hears a news flash for her AZZ, no matter how far you distance yourself from it and who you surround yourself with, you will always be viewed as a black woman because YOU ARE A BLACK WOMAN…”

    Yes indeed, I AM A BLACK WOMAN.

    I do not distance myself from my race or gender.
    I seek out like-minded people with whom I feel comfortable and who share my interests. As it happens, those people are mostly white. And I find white men physically attractive, so why should I not choose them for romantic relationships.

    Most BW are just too crude and crass for my tastes. They are just like you.
    They cannot allow people to be themselves and to choose what is right for them.

    Being black should not dictate my tastes and desires. Blackness to me, is only about my physical appearance, nothing more, nothing less. I love the way I look, so your claim about my trying to not be black is ridiculous. I don’t need to listen to black music, have black friends, date black men, or worship Obama in order to be black. BW like you treat blackness as a type of club to which a person must jump through hoops in order to belong. I don’t need to belong to the “black club” in order to feel good about myself.

    Maybe you are jealous that BW like me have no trouble having relationships with classy white men while BW like you can only get white men like Machine Gun Kelly.

    • absolog / May 13 2013 3:12 pm

      First of all Ms. Anna, there is nothing in life that would allow me to jealous of any woman, no matter color her skin is. Secondly, I am only commenting on what you are POSTING. I am making no claim as what to who I THINK you are. YOU on the other hand have summed me up without knowing anything about me. Read my initial post, I made no reference as to what other BW do, or think or need or want, I simply gave this man my opinion as to what issues he stated he was having with his mate. Again you on the other hand made it about BW and what they like and YOU are the one who decided to get on your soap box and sum up MOST BW without knowing them. You are calling me crude and crass and know nothing about me. And mentioning I am the type of BW who cannot allow people to be themselves is false as well. You can be yourself and choose what’s right for you but I draw the line at your attempt to say what others are like and what other want. SPEAK FOR YOURSELF AND YOURSELF ONLY is my advice to you and you won’t have to worry about getting reply’s like those I’ve posted. You claim that you love the way you look but you say things like the following: ” And that is why I advised you to go after black women who act “white”, think “white” and like “white” things.” I am still trying to figure out what makes certain things “white”, proper English, carrying oneself well, liking different things…again, what makes these things “white” ANNA. You talk as if you receive some kind of points for doing things correctly and only label them correct if they are “white”. Contrary to what you believe, there is nothing right about what you are saying, you are simply stating your opinion.
      “Maybe you are jealous that BW like me have no trouble having relationships with classy white men while BW like you can only get white men like Machine Gun Kelly.”…AGAIN with the assumptions Anna? And you’re calling me CRUDE and CRASS…what’s classy about what you just said here and what makes it a fact, because you say it is, “classy white men” how do we even know that’s true, because you said it is. I on the other hand only comment on what’s being said and do not go out of my way attempting to sum up someone else.

      You want to know what I think; I think it’s degrading for anyone to say they will only date a ____ man or a ____ woman. I happen to have fallen for a white man, I don’t seek them out thinking they are better because of their skin color, thinking they’re better for me just because they’re not black. I don’t have an issue with dating black men; I have an issue dating ignorant men. I don’t see color when it comes to who I choose to date; I simply date the man I’m interested in. You, according to what you posted, seek out white men as if they are possessions or trophies, how do you think this makes them feel, how do you think it would make anyone feel. By the way, the man I am currently with has more class than anyone you’ve probably come across in your life and I am a 46 year old woman so the Machine Gun Kelly comment was not only absurd but also childish. You have no idea the caliber of men I have dated and have as friends, no matter what color they are. I do not surround myself with foolishness although I did allow myself to waste time this afternoon commenting on your foolishness and I didn’t assume you are foolish, you by your comments once again PROVED it. Take care!!!

  19. z / May 7 2013 5:55 pm

    Hi there Darren. You said you appreciated varying opinions – hope that’s still true. 🙂 I would like to drill down on your query, if that’s ok.

    You’ve been really good at responding and fleshing out your thoughts, but what I still don’t get is how this is causing a problem in daily activity. Do you have any anecdotes you can share that would better illuminate your issues w/ your current gf? For instance, take music – do you get into fights when you do long drives because she wants to listen to one radio/satellite station, and you want to listen to another? From my own experience, negotiating that can be tricky. Or is it that she will listen to your music, but say snarky, and/or disparaging remarks about it (“I can’t believe you like that crap…”)?

    Also, in terms of tv, does she want to watch nothing from the history channel? Does she say why? If I am trying to cater to someone who likes reality tv, maybe I’d suggest How The States Got Their Shapes, How Sex Changed the World, or even stuff like Vikings (which is actually scripted). Or something like Swamp People maybe, since that technically is reality tv. And those are in contrast to Cities of the Underworld or Modern Marvels, shows that feel more documentary-like. Or is she looking for representation, since the sad truth is that there isn’t much representation of people of color (any ethnicity) outside of reality tv.

    And politics are tricky no matter how you slice it, and that has little to do with ethnicity. In fact, in one of those “dear abbly”-style pieces on the internet, a woman wanted advice for dealing with Thanksgiving at the in-laws because she anticipated them giving her grief for who she voted for. Also, there were so many articles out during election season about how tough it is to reconcile political differences. I even believe there was a funny opening to one of the CSI episodes, where a couple who just met are clawing one another, as they fumble to get inside a room to have sex. They spat out obligatory questions to not feel like they were complete strangers, and guess what cooled their passions? One was a dem, and the other a repub.

    I liked the initial advice from the blog: figure out your own deal breakers and what’s important to you. For instance, I have a friend who is just not into music, so she listens to basically what the hubby wants, because he is into music. Sometimes couples make a pact never to talk about arguments for fear of a blistering fight, and that’s how they keep the peace.

    I could be wrong, but what I get from you is that you don’t necessarily want that as much as you want someone who actively engages with you in the things you like. But libertarianism, and liking metal are kind of niche, so that may take some time to find, even without ethnicity factoring in.

    Oh, and about ethnicity – I wanted to chime in, because there many factors that are being subsumed by ethnicty, when perhaps they should be considered individually. Class and region are significant in shaping who we are, but tend to be overlooked. I want to reiterate something Xai brought up: your sample size is too specific. I had a relative who lived in LV, and for a moment I contemplated moving there. And much like many people here, I have varied taste. But I’ll tell you this, being a cocktail server would have been the LAST job I would’ve taken, even if they were ubiquitous. I think I’d take your job, as a bartender, first. :p Serving – especially in those outfits – requires a certain temperament, and it can speak to class. Now that doesn’t mean you can’t find people with differing tastes up and down the class spectrum. But, it may not be as readily expressed; it is a lot easier to talk of your love for Vampire Weekend in the hamptons than it is in the “hood”, or even out there in the sticks (because some country fans can be pretty exclusive in their choice of music). But even among the people you are around, maybe they like what you like, but are keeping it close to the vest, for fear of ridicule or disinterest?

    Lastly, I wanted to respond not just to say there are different women of color than the ones you’re experiencing at work; there are a plethora of comments that address that (and yes, I’ve heard of Slayer too). I guess I just wanted you to be encouraged, but also understand that these issues, and music in particular, are far more complicated than it appears on the surface. I’ve walked the road of liking genres that no one around me liked. I too was told I liked “white” music, only to realize that when I started hanging out with white people that they didn’t care for my taste in music either. It wasn’t an ethnic thing at all, really.

    And I have to say I am uncomfortable with the idea of being open-minded, as if it works one way only. Could the question not also be reversed? I actually find rap and metal similar in that both are extreme forms of other genres, both emphasize similar themes (self-expression, justice, etc). However, both genres seem to go out of their way to say women are not included, save for objectification. Could it be that that is something your gf had a problem with? Feel free not to defend that, since there are women here, and others who like the genre. But if I have that feeling about it, maybe others do as well.

    I probably could go on, but I’ll stop here. Just some things for you to think about. Good luck, whatever happens, and I hope you find your one shortly!

    • gotmojo68 / May 10 2013 4:54 pm

      Wow. That’s a big one. Ok, first off, thanks for the reply. I do appreciate all points of view and opinions. I hope I answers your query. I’m pretty comfortable anywhere I am. I don’t need to have my type of music on to enjoy myself. Most of the woman I’ve gone out with didn’t share my taste in music. I guess I was just airing my frustration with my girlfriend being so unwilling to share the things I like. I am open to her likes. I can watch her tv shows,and listen to her music. I don’t necessarily need to like it but I don’t dislike it to the point that I refuse to sit through it. I can go to a club that plays club music and still have a good time because I’m their with someone I want to be with.
      As for as where I work, working their has given me the opportunity to meet black woman that I probably never would of met on my own.
      Anyway, I don’t know if I answered your questions or not. I was distracted many times while I was writing this. But feel free to ask me anything you want. I enjoy the dialog.

      Darren

  20. t / May 11 2013 6:08 pm

    To Darren,

    I am a single black lady that has dated men of different races. I like white men just like any other. However, I have found that it is hard to meet a guy that doesnt have a hang up with a lady that is beautiful, smart, easy going, educated, a christian who is opened minded and no children. I live in MT and would love to learn more about you.

    • admin / May 13 2013 11:34 am

      Ooh, making love connections?

    • Darren / May 13 2013 2:13 pm

      You live in Montana? That’s quite a drive from New Orleans. However from what I’ve seen, it’s beautiful country up their. So what do you want to know about me? I’m an open book. You can email me if you like….. gotmojo68@yahoo.com

      Darren

  21. M / May 22 2013 10:53 am

    “Are their black woman out their that are more open minded on music, politics, and maybe want to watch history channel sometimes instead of real housewives, or, MTV? ”

    Yes, plenty. You may not meet many of them in your line of work, or maybe it is the part of the country you live in. My boyfriend and I have some key differences in musical tastes, politics and what we like to watch on tv but we have enough overlap to bond and the differences keep things interesting. We can get into it about politics but can basically agree that no one is looking out for the little guy and there are crooks and hypocrites in all political camps. We are both very opinionated but also open minded, although he is a bit more judgmental and conservative than I am…very typical of men vs. women and not about race. We remember that having opposing tastes or opinions is not an indictment of our feelings for one another or our relationship.

    I could not spend anytime with someone who liked trash tv, whether reality or scripted. I do think it is a sign of a small mind to be too into that stuff. He won’t watch Scandal but we watch Game of Thrones together. He knows I am going to fall asleep on his MMA matches but I kind of like Deadliest Catch. We both love the Food Network.

    I used to think that I needed to be with someone who shared my political beliefs and musical tastes, but that changed when I met him. We have both amended some of our beliefs based on knowing one another and developing mutual respect for our perspectives. All of that stuff, just like the difference in our skin color, is window dressing. It only gets in the way when two people let it, or they simply don’t have enough basic compatibility to overcome their differences.

  22. Darren / May 29 2013 12:00 am

    Thanks for the reply.

  23. Lea Lea / May 29 2013 3:17 pm

    From what I read it seem he is looking for someone to be totally open minded to his wants needs and beliefs but he can’t reciprocate. I feel that is the issue. If she is willing to bend to his ways he should be willing to bend to hers as well

    • Darren / May 31 2013 6:28 am

      Umm? I really think you read the posting wrong. I do “bend” to her likes. I couldn’t tell you how many episodes of the young and the restless, the voice, the talk, dancing with the stars, and a few other shows I’ve watched with zero interest in them, but sat here and watched them anyway. Or how often we listen to her music in the car. Or how many times I’ve gone to clubs that she likes that aren’t really my kind of place. Or in our bedroom, their is a picture of the Obamas on a shelf, despite the fact that politically I disagree with him. But I can tell you how many times she has watched shows that I like. NONE. In the car, I put her music on because I don’t want to hear her complain. She went to a bar that I like to go to once, and was miserable the whole time. Politically…. I don’t even try to get my point across anymore. So don’t say it’s me that won’t bend. She’s the one thats locked in her world and that’s what led me to this site in the first place. Maybe I worded the “open minded” thing wrong. I know not all black woman think, act, and do the samething. But it does seem like it when I go to a bar that plays music I like, and their are no black woman. Go to a concert, no black woman. Spark up a conversation about tv, they all watch the same stuff. Music? All listen to the same stuff. Politically, every black woman I know thinks the same way, Obama=great. So that is why I asked “Where are the open minded black woman?” Again, I know not all black woman think the same way. I was just frustrated and I guess I was just hoping to hear from black woman that didn’t follow this orthodoxy that so many others seem to have to follow. And I did. I got lots of replies. Loved them all. Anyway, I know I went on a rant. Hope I didn’t bore you. Or offend you, or anyone else. Not sure what’s going to happen with me and my girlfriend. Maybe we will make something happen. I don’t know. If not, my queen is out their somewhere.

  24. Helen / May 29 2013 8:47 pm

    Darren all black woman are not that way. Interestingly enough I am a black woman that am attracted to white men and found that most that I have met are into rap, hip hop, etc. They laugh at me for enjoying Country, Rock, etc. It is odd to see that on the opposite side of the spectrum. You will find her whether black, white or otherwise — don’t compromise or settle. I am talking to myself also. I am of course in Florida and meeting open minded men is difficult.

    Best wishes in your search. You seem like a great guy.

    • Darren / May 31 2013 6:31 am

      Thanks. I appreciate the advice. There’re lots of great guys out their. I’m sure you will find one soon.

  25. Kei / May 30 2013 1:08 am

    I agree! Don’t lose hope Darren, there are quite a few of us out there who enjoy more than just ‘the usual’. (I’m one of them!) Perhaps a temporary change of scenery or checking out a spot that isn’t your usual may yield the results you seek. I live in the south and it is still quite a challenge to attract a man of a different ethnicity. However, I plan on trying out new places that I normally wouldn’t frequent to meet new people! I wish you all the best.

    Kei

    • Danielle / Jun 1 2013 5:00 pm

      Where in the South, Kei?

  26. Darren / May 31 2013 6:34 am

    Thanks for the reply. I’m in the south too. (New Orleans) Best of luck. I’m sure you’ll find a great guy.

  27. Lynette Huffstedtler / Jun 3 2013 4:10 am

    Hi Darren,

    Don’t give up. You’ll find who you are looking for. My guy and I have a lot of things in common, but we have plenty that we have different opinions on too. Musically, he puts up with my love of heavy metal (I love Tool, NIN, Soundgarden, Metallica,etc.), but we share a love of groups like Tom Petty (with and without the Heartbreakers), the Stones, the Who, Waylon Jennings, etc. He puts up with Green Day, our oldest daughter’s love of Chinese and Japanese artists (whom I’ve come to love as well even though I don’t understand a word they are singing). We have disagreed strongly over politics (I tend to be much more liberal, though not necessarily about everything), and he generously puts up with my abiding love of snakes and other reptiles (though he’d be much happier if our more than 30 snakes were outside in the garage than in the house). He generously puts up with my addiction to sci-fi. We both love “Family Guy” and the 3 Stooges. We do have a lot that we differ on, but we also have a LOT that we share and agree on. And I can relate to a lot of the other BW posters on here who stated that they were told they weren’t “black enough” or not really black. I’ve been told that in the past, from both black and white people. You just have to find someone who defines themselves for themselves, rather than letting anyone else do it for them. Have faith; I’m sure she’s out there. Maybe a change of venue would aid in your search? You said you were in New Orleans, I think? I personally don’t care much for the south, and racial attitudes on both sides contributes to that for me. Have you thought about California? Or maybe the eastern seaboard? Perhaps a different area will net you what you are seeking. I wish you the best of luck. There are black women out there who don’t fit the stereotype.

    And btw- I don’t agree with what someone posted above about African American women. I think we get an ugly rap. There are nasty people in all groups. (Just look at any of the Housewives reality shows) There are plenty of AA women in the US who “know how to treat a man”. It would be nice if we were treated with the same deference and respect. (Not saying that you don’t; but it felt like that is what was implied by one or two of the posters above.)

    • Darren / Jun 3 2013 5:18 pm

      You are a rare woman. It’s hard enough finding a woman that likes that music, much less a black woman. I guess in California it’s easer. But most black woman here stick to the “black” orthodoxy. Which is what led me to write that first post. There’re some people in the south that have some racial issues. On both sides. But most people here get along. I can only speak for New Orleans but we for the most part al get along. We have many festivals that celebrate different cultures. And people of all races attend and have a good time together. But most black woman tend to like the same things and it keeps them from dating outside their race. It’s not that I think they are racist, I think they just want someone they have things in common with. I am starting to see more black woman with white men. And not just the “acting black” white guys. I don’t know, I may be wrong. I’m no psychologist. Just seems that way. Anyway, you have a very lucky man. I hope he relizes it.
      Thanks for the reply.

      • Danielle / Jun 4 2013 4:36 pm

        Hi Darren,

        I’d like to second Lynette. I’m with a white man myself and while we don’t have everything in common we do understand and respect each other’s differences. As a whole black women are reluctant to date outside their race for a variety of reasons and in certain places in the country (like the South), people still are overcoming historical views of race, dating and marriage between black women and white men. I understand your frustration at seeing how IR dating and marriage between BW/WM is increasing in other states (like CA where I live), but don’t let that deter you. Use all your recources including interracial sites to find the black woman you want (be careful though as some of them have crazy women on them). Quite frankly, the white men who try to “act black” are a huge turn-off for me and the other black women I know who want a white man, so I don’t know who are these black women who want that type of a white man.

        Where do you live Lynette?

  28. nadia / Jun 3 2013 8:58 pm

    There Is no way that you could ever put all black women in the same boat! I find white men very sexy, But i love men from different races not just white! I love r&b,jazz,country,pop,rock, rap
    ..I love different foods, movies, books, T.V shows etc..I would never put all men in the same boat, its not fair!!! If you’re looking for an open mind, you got to make sure you have one!! ; )

  29. Lynette Huffstedtler / Jun 7 2013 1:55 am

    Hi Danielle,

    I live in southern California. For the most part, our union has been accepted without issue. (There are some exceptions, and my husband has lost more than one job in the past when it was discovered his wife was black. But that’s been years ago.) And only once did I get a reaction to our children that was anything other than “Wow, you’ve got beautiful kids!”. It’s one of the things I love about Cali.

    What part of California are you in Danielle?

    • Danielle / Jun 11 2013 3:02 pm

      @ Lynette

      I live in Southern California in the Inland Empire. I share similar experiences with our child. Fortunately my husband hasn’t lost a job due to his wife being black. Cali is a good swirling area in the country and that’s one of many reasons we love it as well. My email is swirlingnurse@yahoo.com if you want to contact me there.

  30. Lynette Huffstedtler / Jun 7 2013 2:07 am

    @ Darren,

    Yeah, I got sucked into rock when I was in high school. I heard Jimmy Hendrix and it was all over for me but the solo, lol. And from there I gravitated to harder and harder rock. I admit I don’t listen to much death or thrash metal, though I will occasionally. But too much of it, like a lot of music, started to sound the same just with a different guy growling at the mike. And I don’t bring out the Led Zepplin, AC/DC, Ozzy Osbourne, Rob Zombie, Van Halen, Metallica as much as I used to either. But I think that has to do with listening to it for so long and so consistently. It’s like Jimmy Hendrix- I once read a piece by a musician who stated that Jimi Hendrix was like a very fine wine: you don’t drink it every day, but you save it for special occasions. But I still absolutely adore his music. It still gives me chills to listen to “Red House” and “All Along the Watchtower”. And around here, the AOR stations played the same handful of rock classics beyond to death.

    I do however find that I have to listen to “angry white boy music” when I work out. Nothing else is motivating enough to keep me going through a whole workout. But hey- it’s all good.

    • Darren / Jun 7 2013 3:40 am

      Well Lynette I agree with you that you need a break sometimes. I do listen to other music. Just nothing you would hear to much, if every, on the radio. And nothing most, if any, black woman here in the big easy would listen too. But like I’ve said before, most of the woman/girls I’ve gone out with didn’t share my taste in music with me. It’s no big deal to me but seems to be for some people. Anyway I’m not on Facebook but if you ever want to chat, I’m on yahoo messenger gotmojo68 or email gotmojo68@yahoo.com

  31. cierian / Jun 8 2013 11:55 am

    I dated a black women in College back in 1972. I found out really quckly that she wanted to be black first and a woman second. Granted, it was a time of militancy with the Black Panthers and all. She used her blackness to not stretch her boundaries and try new things. I quickly lost interest in her. I married a lovely white girl and we love each other still.

    • Lynette Huffstedtler / Jun 8 2013 8:53 pm

      I think things have changed in some respects since then. While I’ve read that there is still a lot of pressure on black women to conform and stay within their race/ethnic group, there seem to be more and more who are willing to ignore this and seek whomever treats them well. I know that was the base criteria for me. But you’re right- there seemed to be a lot more militancy back then. There’s still some now. But there does seem to be something of a shift that has occurred. The advent of the internet, bringing the ability to converse with people regularly outside of your immediate surroundings and peer group, and the subsequent blogs devoted to bw betterment may have something to do with it. I know I felt somewhat isolated in my preferences when I was growing up. (Though not totally since my best friend also liked white guys as much as any other group of males.) Groups like Ebony Women and Ivory Men on the web definitely provided a forum that made us aware that we weren’t alone and/or totally isolated. It can be hard to be willing to step outside of your group or comfort zone if you feel like you are standing out there on the ledge all by yourself. (And catching flack for it from those around you sometimes too.) But perhaps having this venue open and available wouldn’t have made a difference to the lady you dated at all.

      Anyway- glad you met the person who worked for you. =)

  32. Darren / Jun 8 2013 9:51 pm

    I know not all black woman think the same and like the same things. But so many do. I work with a lot of black woman and i can tell you, all, but one, like the same things. When they talk, it’s always about the same music,tv shows, movies,clothes. As a white man attracted to black woman it can be difficult to ask a black woman out when it just seems like they just aren’t interested in things a white man might like.Again, I know all black woman are not like that. But I think if more black woman expanded their world more, more white guys would be attracted to and ask out black woman. Just my opinion.

    • Helen / Jun 9 2013 3:46 pm

      As with anything, the majority can sometimes sku the view. I am a professional black woman and I live in Jacksonville, Florida. I find that I don’t seem to fit anyway. Black mean cannot relate to my interests in music (country, rock, pop), choice of entertainment (golf, art galleries, sports), just in general. They see me as a wanna be white girl. Totally, untrue, I am proud of who I am, but don’t believe I have to fit anyone’s mold.

      On the other hand, white guys (well at least in this area) I guess, are afraid, or something. It is difficult to meet white men down here, that have their act together and are not intimidated by a professional black women and wants to have a relationship and a good life. Most are interested in the stereotypical black woman that I’ve read about in many of these posts.

      Catch 22.. I wish you the best in your search.

      Helen

      • Darren / Jun 9 2013 11:00 pm

        Thanks for the reply. Im sure you will meet a great guy soon. Im sure theres one out their for you. This blog has men hopeing to find a woman like you. Don’t give up.

  33. Kiwiwriter / Jun 9 2013 5:48 pm

    Don’t know what to tell you…I’ve been out of the dating game for 18 years, so everything I knew is apparently outdated, my single friends tell me…

    Just keep trying. Try going outside of your usual “operating area,” to different activities or environments, take out a personal ad…just don’t expect perfection…just weaknesses you can live with.

    But you have my best wishes.

  34. Nikki / Jun 10 2013 3:20 am

    I can’t speak for all, but I’m a black woman from the South that is very open minded. I can listen to r n b as well as Latin, pop, country, etc. I don’t limit what foods I eat. I dated a Latino for several years which sparked my interest in Latin food but other culture too. I feel it’s important to be open to diversity as to not limit your knowledge. Becoming cultured, you can gain many fun, new experiences.

  35. Mel / Jun 12 2013 5:55 pm

    I hit on this guy 18 months ago. A white guy, who in my opinion is powerful. What I mean by that is that he is at the top of his position as a public servant. That’s something important to me.. Finally, I see him in a bar, the only white guy in a black bar. He ushered me over to a seat and we sat and laughed at the circumstance of why it took him so long to make the move. But the funniest thing was how all the younger brothers (36-46 year olds) looked at me. Dead in the eye, as he seemed to fawn all over me. It was funny. And in so many ways, it made me want him more.

    • Danielle / Jun 14 2013 11:27 am

      That is way cool Mel. It is funny how the brothers start looking when you have a white guy hitting on you.

      • absolog / Jun 14 2013 2:15 pm

        And I have to agree with you guys also. I happen to work for the guy I’m dating and there’s a lot of men around both working and buying the product we sell. When the brothers realize I’m dating the owner they don’t comment on the fact that he’s the owner or because he’s older, they comment on the part about him being white. Then they start with the questions and assumptions and always manage to say something to me about my preference for dating white men. And what’s funny is that I think this is the only thing about my situation that matters to them. It doesn’t matter that I’m not available to date them, in fact if I was available they probably wouldn’t attempt to date me, but I know they’re only bother by the fact that he’s white.

      • Danielle / Jun 14 2013 5:04 pm

        And guess what absolog? You’ll have some of those same guys who think you got that job with your boss/boyfriend because you gave it up! Getting the looks from some black guys when I was dating my husband (and sometimes still do now), just shows they are threatened by us being with white guys. It hurts their ego even though 9/10 black women still prefer to be with black men! smh…

  36. John McVirgo / Jun 15 2013 8:50 am

    I don’t understand why a white guy would want black children.

    • Lynette Huffstedtler / Sep 7 2013 3:17 am

      Because many of them are fine with black people, see nothing wrong with being black (or they wouldn’t be dating bw in the first place), and understand that the bottom line is that those would be his children, no matter what hue they come out as. But from your statement I get the impression you have a problem with a person being black in the 1st place. But that’s fine; you don’t have to date anyone black if you don’t want to. And we’d be better off for it. =)

  37. Violet / Jun 19 2013 12:26 am

    i typed a long response, but lost it! darn— well, i am a bw, and far from the stereotypical bw… this is why i cant find a bm- especially in tucson, where the aa pop is less than 5% as it is! yup. soooo- i go with folks who have interests like mine: what bruh is into geocaching, cycling (for real or for being green- not just as their only form of transpo), catching a few cultural events, volunteering, tuning in to, and commenting on any show on NPR, and snuggling up on a friday evening catching NatGeo? precisely. i know he is out here somewhere… and it’s funny- he’s here and probably with a wg (lol), but for now, i have more in common with the other brother. single and looking (wink wink)… anyway… just listen to her speak, and ask a few simple questions about some of the things wp like… you’ll know really quickly if shes a diva bw, or someone more like you… now, i have to go back and read the rest of the looong comments. great topic!

  38. LotusFlower / Jun 21 2013 10:48 pm

    I read this post like “huh”. Hmmm, I don’t even know where to begin. So the question was are there open minded Black Women out there? The answer is absolutely. But is the writer open minded in asking such a question just because he has met a handful of black women who think and act the same. Is it fair to group every black women into the same category. I, myself like hip-hop, alternative, classical, pop, etc. I love reality TV, but I am also addicted to the Investigation Discovery channel as well. I stay well informed in regards to current events. AND I work in the casino industry. Unless u have dated every black women and can say based upon facts that we are all the same, ur statements need more research.

  39. Cleo / Jun 22 2013 5:30 pm

    Ok I know this might not mean much coming from someone of a far away country, but you spoke of black women and didn’t specify of which country, so allow me to add my 2 cents words. I am a proud South African 22 years old woman. I will speak for myself and those I know. I dnt like hiphop and rap at all, I love documentaries, especially about the history of my country and the world, where I come from you cannot be oblivious to that, it is in your face, you make it your business to know about history, the present and future predictions. I am not gonna say we don’t watch reality shows, we do and we love them. I guess what I am trying to say is that all women have different tastes and are different, there are some women here who are like the black women you described but there are some who are open minded too, just like you would find white women whom you might not think are open minded, you just have to get out of your comfort zone as well and be open minded too, to get the one compatible for you.

  40. Beverly / Jun 24 2013 12:04 am

    Hi Darrin,

    I find your post interesting. I wonder what is it that you are attracted to in Black women? The description you give of the Black women you have come in contact with does not sound very attractive. Personally I think that you sell us short.

    Those of us who routinely date men who we are attracted regardless of race look for common values. This does not mean that we have to share the same interest but the same spirit. What I mean by this is that I am opened to new experiences and he should be too. I like adventure and he should too. Because of this I would date someone who listened to any type of music, eats any type of food, participates in a variety of activity. I would be willing to try what he likes at least once on the chance that I might like it. I would expect him to be willing to do the same. I am too old for hip hop but I like r and b. If I am going to date some one he should be open to experience my interest. What I am not willing to do is to deny any part of myself for another person. I hope this makes sense.

    I imagine that finding a Black woman willing to risk stepping away from stereotypical expectations is more difficult in the south. I live in California. But you have a greater chance of finding one in New Orleans than in other parts of Louisiana.

    My recommendation is that you approach women with the same openness to their culture that you want them to show to yours.

  41. Deesh / Jun 24 2013 4:37 pm

    I am a Black Woman and I am pretty open to dating outside my race. The problem is, white men have never given me a second look. Maybe I haven’t been in the right places at the right times but I’ve often wondered why. My theory is that maybe I’m just too middle of the road. By that I mean, I am not a very dark, ethnic looking black woman. And I am sure not the “you can’t tell she’s black woman” either. I’m pretty middle of the road. I am on the lighter brown side of our varying skin complexions, pretty average grade of hair that is usually worn silked (straight), I am not stick thin nor am I a hefty woman…I am simply a healthy size 10/12. So I really fell that maybe I’m just too average. I am very open to life’s adventures and all it has to offer so I can’t necessarily say that I wouldn’t have anything in common with a man outside my race. So, what’s up white guys? 🙂

    • Darren / Jun 29 2013 9:50 pm

      It isn’t easy for a white man to just walk up to black woman and introduce himself. Most white guys probably assume black woman are just not interested in them.You may have to let a man know you are interested in him first. You might also consider an interracial dating site.

  42. Kaya / Jul 2 2013 1:45 pm

    Darren, even though you work with some black women and you have/ had a relationship with one, doesn’t mean your generalities are fair or even true. Out of the millions of black women in the world, not all of us like Justin Timberlake/ Eminem, agree with Obama (or voted for him) or like hip hop.

    I hear you: a lot of black women fall into the stereotype, and I can’t stand ignorant black people (maybe more than you, because I am black and). But basing your assumptions on the black women who work as COCKTAIL SERVERS is very unfair. Maybe cocktail servers are more low minded, than let’s say, business women, medical students, and women who never go into casinos at all. Did you know that we’re out here?

    I agree with some other posts: just go to a dating site.

    And for the love of God, stop generalizing.

  43. Maria / Jul 3 2013 2:41 am

    I’m a black woman, I’m up to date on pop culture, I dont watch the whole real housewives nonsense but I do watch reality tv like the real world. That being said I also watch a lot of documentaries and the likes. I listen to hip hop, but I am equally as up to date on my rock. I like white guys all the same but I’m not changing myself for him I’m just adding to myself. If he likes Country while I like rock then I’ll find some country that I like. I dont think you should ever have to give up any aspect of yourself to be with someone, you should learn to love your differences. Embrace your significant others culture and expect the same of her.

  44. 1foxiebrownsugar / Jul 4 2013 8:12 am

    Darren, sad to say that’s what must people think about bw. But what you want in a bw you won’t find in your surroundings! I’m married to a white guy for 9yrs and counting. He is 10 yrs older than me. So we both had our heads on straight, we both we on the same page spiritual 1st the emotional 2nd! He is the best thing that has happened to me. Not only has he helped me to break down the wall in the black world box. But He has saved my life by changing the my view of stereo typical black foods. That causes tons of health issues. Hey had brought out things in me that I didn’t know I love! Country life, hiking, cooking healthier. I love the classics led zepplin, pink Floyd, he started my love of b.b king! So in the end she’s out there! Hope you find what we have!

  45. Kitty / Jul 10 2013 12:26 am

    I totally disagree with both of you. I do not find timberlake or em attractive at all. And I don’t care what people think of me marrying a white. The “haters” comments and dirty looks demonstrate their ignorance, immaturity and insecurity not mine. As far as I’m concerned, the “haters” need to take care of their own issues before they even think about commenting on who should be with who! With all the issues we face in this world today-gun control,famine, illiteracy, drug addiction…fixating on such a superficial topic like color of someone’s skin is ridiculous.

    • Kitty / Jul 10 2013 12:41 am

      Btw, God created each one of us as a unique, one of a kind, creature. No two people are alike! And when God says not to be unequally yoked-believer with non believer- not once does God say people must not marry someone of a different skin color.

  46. Courtney / Jul 13 2013 1:40 pm

    I am a black woman and I love white men. I listen to country, rock, metal, pop, R&B and rap occasionally. I like wine and picnics and any kind of live performance… I like white men who like the same things that I do… not the Justin timberlake kind of white guy but the paul rudd or chris evans kind of guy…. I think the issue is that those kinds of white men don’t think that there are black women like me and keep meeting the typical black woman…. just my thoughts 🙂

    • Danielle / Jul 16 2013 1:38 pm

      I couldn’t agree with you more (Courtney and Kitty)!

  47. adiaw / Jul 14 2013 1:39 am

    What people are like has more to do with socio-economics and education than race. What you hangout with black women that are MBAs, professors, scientists… You wouldn’t say they are all like you described.
    I’m black, my husband of 6 years is white. He’s a chemist, I’m a econimist. We like a range of things, ColdPlay, Lil Wayne, Radiohead, B.O.B, Game of Thrones, Big Bang, Steven Colbert, Brain Games. We are liberals and did vote for Obama :).
    Education is a beautiful thing and that’s the pillar of our lives and that of our children.

  48. Meko / Jul 15 2013 10:38 pm

    I don’t vote, I hate real housewives! Sex and the City is my favorite! I love all kinds of music. I love white men! I will wait to meet my King!

  49. lalamorina / Jul 19 2013 1:21 am

    Ahhhh! Darren this question saddens me, please don’t lump all black women into ONE catagory. I’m a black woman who loves to watch the history channel. It’s almost laughable this question, because that’s really all I watch. I even considered studying Archaelogy and specifically Egyptology because Ancient Egypt and it’s many secrets have fascinated me. I also can speak Spanish and am learning French and Arabic because believe it or not, I find learning languages fun! Sigh it saddens me you think there aren’t any black women out there, but instead of taking the black women you see at your job or your ex, why don’t you analyze that perhaps your differences lie in age. It’s not just black women but most women–especially young 20 somethings– LOVE to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians and all things pro materialism, no substance, and catty girl drama. I’m only 21 but I hate all of that stuff, give me the history channel, travel channel, hgtv, and survivor (and Vampire Diaries heyy a girl is still a girl haha) and I’m happy 🙂

    Best wishes and please please if you do anything don’t do us as a disservice and think we are ALL the same.

  50. NikkiRoxi / Jul 28 2013 4:27 am

    Some of these comments annoy me. Especially coming from Black women. I am a Black Woman and although I have not had the chance to date a White Man (mainly because they don’t approach me) I am open to dating them. I have dated outside my race (Indian and Non-Black Latinos) I am annoyed by the statement open minded and a Black Woman not being so. Darren if the women you have dated were not already open minded they would not have dated you. Most Black Women do not date outside our race. So by the very fact they dated you shows they are open minded to some degree. Statistically speaking Black Women are least likely to date interracially. A Black Women listening to rap/hip hop, or that watches reality TV does not mean she is not open minded those are just the things she likes. I have never watched Real Housewives, or Bad Girls. I have watched the Discovery channel and TLC. I cannot stand to watch shows where women are catty towards one another. The music I like varies depending on my mood that day. My iPod has Switchfoot, Evanecence (sp?) Usher, Anita Baker, POD, Katy Perry, Night Ranger, Brian Colbert, Lady Antebellum, etc…

    Darren I found it funny you used Justin & Em, neither one of them has to my knowledge ever dated a black woman. There are Black Women who like White Chocolate (White guys that act Black) as they are referred to as, but there are plenty of Black Women who like your average White Men too. There were some comments that really got me and I was going to challenge each one, but I have changed my mind. I just want to say that some of the comments came across to me as biased against Black Women and what is worse is they were written by people claiming to be Black. I am proud to be black and I don’t want to date any man that will make me feel less than for what I like. I just hope BW dating WM aren’t doing so because of self hate.

    Darren there are Black women who like the music you like and have the same political views as you. Don’t generalize. Just broaden the area in which you meet them. However, if you meet one that does not it is not the end of the world. Consider this there are plenty of women married to men of the same race who do not share the same likes. I am sure you know plenty of couples where the guy likes sports and she does not, where the guy likes one type of music and she likes something different, he likes horror movies she likes romantic movies. What drew these couples together was their shared values on child rearing, religious beliefs, honesty and integrity etc.. Figure out your deal breakers and go from there. Please be open minded as you hope she will be. Peace

  51. MochaMii^*^ / Aug 16 2013 7:33 pm

    Oh, I’m open minded. Always have been since the day I was able to differentiate between gender and ethnicities. I like things that mix, it’s interesting and cherry cheesecake sweet ^///^.

    …but I…have trouble talking °~°” and oh I dislike not being able to :’

  52. Penelope / Aug 28 2013 7:30 pm

    I think there are some gross generalizations being written here. Everyone is different. I can’t speak for ALL black women because I don’t know all black women. Each and every one of my girlfriends are different. I like rock and some of my friends love hip hop. Our political views differ greatly. I say to Darren try not to generalize and remain open. There are many black women who do not want an Eminem and someone looking for a guy like you. Really. So don’t lose heart there is someone out there for you.

  53. Cory / Sep 30 2013 9:28 am

    Hello!

    Just stumbled onto your blog. I’m black, and I don’t fit the definition of a “standard” black woman. I can’t stand reality tv, enjoyed MTV when they actually played videos, and I prefer mostly old school rap. SOME modern day rap I dig; it depends on the song (and not necessarily the artist). And really can not stand R&B. I’m very selective in my music. I listen to just about everything from Enya to Snoop Dogg, heavy metal/grunge to Coldplay and Dr.Dre. Most other music forms have a true message to tell, something sorely lacking in most rap today. Politically I’m all over the place. Both parties have things I admire and despise. I believe in personal responsibility instead of blaming “the (insert color here) man” for everything, believe in fighting terrorism by any means necessary and I support social programs to help the poor – as long as they make an effort to help themselves. Some on such programs truly are trying and they shouldn’t be kicked down for it. I believe in the right to choose. But I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called an Auntie Tom because of my un-black views. I take it in stride, because my people tend to use this line when they run out of options to argue with. I have been accused of acting white and it’s a badge I wear proudly. If me wanting to watch x-games instead of the BET Awards makes me “white” a then so be it. If me telling you you need to get up off your a$$ and get a job instead of hustling drugs in your neighborhood, then complaining about the system when you get caught makes me “white”…so be it. If I tell a fellow black woman she needs to check her attitude at the door or maybe try something new for once makes me white – so. Be. It.

    I wish I knew why most sistas were this way. I believe we’re conditioned from birth to think and act certain way, and that any other way is to betray your race. I believe this because it was drilled into me growing up only I never fell for it. At an early age I strayed from the norm and have never regretted it. Hate to say it but many black women are just foolish. They have minds of their own but refuse to think for themselves. Their loss. The very few who are open-minded like me yes, we’re rare but we DO exist.

    • Darren / Oct 1 2013 4:42 pm

      I wrote this post months ago when I was going through a ruff time with my girlfriend, who is black, and she was letting things like music and politics affect our relationship. This caused me to notice that all the black women I knew were all pretty much the same as far as their taste in music and so forth. So when I asked the question, “Where are all the opened minded black women?” it was more of a, I know your out there, where are you? kind of thing. Not an accusation. There does seem to be a ” true black” thing out there. But I know not all black women are the same. But it was frustrating at the time. I did enjoy reading your post. It’s been a while sense I’ve been on this sight and wrote anything. But I wanted to respond to you. I guess that’s saying something about your post!

      • Cory / Oct 1 2013 10:17 pm

        First:

        Thank you so much for taking the time out to respond to my reply. And I’m so very sorry that your relationship with your girlfriend tanked.

        This may be of small comfort but know this: as other posters have said, there IS someone out there for you. She may or may not be black; you never know. If she is, great. If not, that’s great too. I’ve dated out of my race and loved it. I’m all for it. I’ve had similar experiences to yours but mainly with black men deciding that I just wasn’t “black enough” for them. Brothers who would try to change me into their idea of an “ideal black woman” – something that drove me nuts. This included trying to change my dress and musical tastes. As it was for your girlfriend, it frustrated me. If you know beforehand what you’re walking into relationship-wise you shouldn’t try to change that person’s preferences. This was a serious problem for me, while non-black guys seemed to accept me as I was. I didn’t try to change the “brothas” I was with, but they sure tried it. Each time I had to cut them loose.

        Of course, not all black men are like this; I know this (just like not all white men don’t like Linkin Park). But I never limited myself to just them because they don’t own me. I owe them nothing. I don’t “belong” to them. Honestly my preference is non-black men. I meet a guy; it I hit if off with him I go for it, damn his color.

        You sound like a well-rounded gentleman. Best wishes and when you meet that special female, you’ll know it, regardless of her race. Take care!

  54. Cory / Oct 1 2013 10:21 pm

    –Typing from an iphone can be horrendous. I meant, not all white guys listen to Linkin Park. I met some who only dug black music, and that’s cool too.

    • Danielle / Oct 10 2013 4:37 pm

      Hey Cory….great posts…I feel the same as you do. Hit me up if you want via email swirlingnurse@yahoo.com

  55. Queen / Apr 17 2014 7:37 pm

    I’m a professional black woman who perfer dating white men. After reading Darren’s story I would have to hear both sides. Sometimes we try to change people views in life and not realize what we are doing. I except and understand that we (white men and black women) are from different cultures. As a black woman who date white men I have to be very open-minded and I hope and pray that the man I fall in love with one day is open-minded as I am. Darren’s relationship is a prime example why people of all cultures should date for a while (learn his/her likes and dislikes) before getting into a relationship.

  56. Nicky / Sep 12 2014 9:53 am

    Hey Darren

    I think the reason why you clash with her is probably because she isn’t a woman who has been around white people, maybe her friends are not white and it could be that she has never had a white boyfriend nor had she ever considered one before you. Or alternatively she has had white boyfriends but they have all been Justin Timberlake or Eminem. I think if you were to date black girls who are found in places where white people enjoy to hang or went to white dominated schools or just surround themselves with white people you wouldn’t have this problem. I have a different problem, white guys that approach me act more black than my brothers, it feels like they just decided to get a black girlfriend just to put the finishing touch to their “blackness” . But black women that are open minded, who either like what you like or don’t want to change what you like (accepting it as a package) are out there. PS: Black girls at a rock concert probably like rock.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: