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November 28, 2012 / admin

Religion is the Reason you’re Single -“Do not be unequally yoked”

I’ve noticed a lot of the White, American guys I date are not really that religious… ok, like all of them, lol. It’s not like I go looking for these heathens (j/k), honestly it would appear religion and going to church isn’t a really big deal to White men.

Seriously, even just browsing through online profiles it would appear that Religion doesn’t matter a lot in the grand scheme of things.

Some of my friends think the reason this is so is because religion is really for the ‘downtrodden who need encouragement/empowerment’, and middle/upper class White men can’t relate to needing religion for this purpose. Religion teaches us about having faith in a higher being that everything will be alright – trust in God to work it out; I find most White men would rather depend on themselves to make things happen and find this way of thinking a little silly.

Now, I draw the line at dating an Atheist; but I am open to guys who don’t go to church every Sunday, especially since I don’t go to church every sunday anymore (Lord forgive me ;P) because let’s face it, most congregations are made up of like 80% women (yes, I’m pulling this number out of thin air but it’s loosely based on my personal observations), as well as married older people and old men with questionable pasts. I recall being invited on a date to a singles cruise for a popular church here in NYC and looking around at the mostly other dressed to the nines Black women who couldn’t even drown their disappointment in the male turnout in alcohol since it was a church event.

This brings us to the old spiritual vs. religious debate.

If you are really religious and your doctrine says you need to be equally yoked then will that  keep you from taking a chance on a guy who is not of your religious background. I understand the plight of these women because it is nice to have a man who holds your same values and morals – but the question I would pose is can a man hold your same values and morals and not be overtly ‘religious’? Is him believing in God or believing in ‘right from wrong’ enough?

I’d love to hear what you have to say on the matter. Share your thoughts below!


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  1. Agreed! I’ve been swirling for decades and only dated one other brother who was into religion but he had major issues so go figure. The rest did not give a damn about religion and that is fine with me cause I was raised in and now reject the church. I do see a trend of ob’s playing with BW’s so called faith by saying they want a woman of God=single mother willing to give it up quick ’cause god brought her a man’ that is what I’ve seen. So when they come to me saying they’re a man of god I cross them off the list. Oh and we BW are not all one, you know. Religion is voluntary. Just saying.

  2. Thelma / Dec 1 2012 5:23 pm

    Well I slightly agree with title of your article. However, as always God gives us the freedom to choose to either accept him or take up the cross and follow him. No one said that Christianity was an easy commitment. As a matter of fact, the more Christ-like you are in today’s world, the less attractive you are to people….. in my opinion, Christians should not compromise on their beliefs, either their choice of a spouse, coz apart from the decision to become born again, it’s the other biggest decsion you could ever make. A partner can either help draw you closer to God, or the opposite.

    My advise for anyone in a situation where their lonely, coz their no potential Christian suitors, pray, trust God, seek yee first the kingdom of Heaven and all other things shall be added to you. In the meantime also, make great Christian friends from your Church. Also, try searching on Christian dating sites, there are alot of singles in a similar situatio. Lastly, try making friends with African men, more than 50% of them (excluding Northern Africa) are geniune Christians, if the profess to be. Get to know them better- you never. Lastly, remember that the first reason why you are a Christian is that you fear burning in hell for eternity. Howver, if you died and discovered that the whole Bible was nothing but a lie, you still wouldn’t have lost anything. However, the opposite would be disastrous! So don’t take the chance if creation and your conscience speak to you. There is no second chance after death.No pleasure on earth including marriage is worth it, if your soul perishes. What shall it profit a man to gain the whole wide world-its riches, love, happiness – for 150 even, and then lose his sould eternally?

    Hope this helps. Cheers!

  3. nikki / Dec 8 2012 5:19 pm

    As an agnostic black woman I can’t exactly commiserate with you, but I think I may be able to clarify something for you . You state that :

    “Some of my friends think the reason this is so is because religion is really for the ‘downtrodden who need encouragement/empowerment’, and middle/upper class White men can’t relate to needing religion for this purpose. Religion teaches us about having faith in a higher being that everything will be alright – trust in God to work it out; I find most White men would rather depend on themselves to make things happen and find this way of thinking a little silly.”

    This is very far from my experience. I think it’s more likely that it has to do with education level and thus having an understanding of christian history. Once you’re familiar with the topic, you’ll see that the beliefs and practices of christians have changed dramatically over time. If you compare the core beliefs/dogmas of eastern orthodox christians, roman catholics, Amish, Episcopalians, lutherans, etc and contemporary black churches you aren’t going to find a lot of overlap. Yes, they all believe in Jesus, but that’s about it.

    Marriage is a prime example: Orthodox Christians and Catholics believe that it’s a sacrament; that the holy spirit comes down and mystically unites the couple for eternity in a way human minds can scarcely understand. (I’d read a bit about orthodox christian marriage here: ) The respective ceremonies are filled with relevant scriptures, psalms, and prayers designed the bring all those in attendance into the presence of God. Many of the rituals are symbolic of the life creating trinity and of christ and his church. At the height of an Orthodox Christian marriage ceremony, the couple is crowned. Its symbolic of the crowns of martyrdom spoken of in the book of revelations, because the couple must die as individuals and be reborn as a new creation, striving to become like Christ. Contrast this, the oldest known christian marriage rites, with a typical marriage in a black church. The ones that I know of see a marriage as a celebration of love wherein the couple, community and pastor ask God’s blessing in a simple ceremony. They might use some token symbolism of their unity, such as lighting a unity candle. Many educated persons look at these extreme differences and all of the atrocities that Christians have committed throughout the centuries and are unconvinced of Christianity’s claims.

    Regarding the latter part of that statement, I realize that Catholics often get a lot of heat for their past, but each denomination has it’s stain: Russian Orthodox Christians massacred Jews in pogroms, Catholics had the crusades and the inquisition, Martin Luther was a well known anti-semite, various protestant denominations used christianity to justify slavery, the forcible removal native americans and the denial of women rights… the list goes on and on.

    So in short, I don’t think it’s as simple as “white guys like to do things themselves.”

  4. Mateo / Jul 23 2013 5:00 am

    Ok, so as a humanist white dude I gotta chime in here. (you “draw the line” at dating an atheist? really, you said that out loud? :p )

    I too would like to date someone someone of my same values and morals. For me this means genuinely caring about my fellow man, actively trying to improve their lives, and of course avoiding behaviors that cause people harm.

    In other words, morality means Help People = Good, Hurt People = Bad.

    It’s very difficult for a humanist to understand what belief or lack of belief in a god has to do with morality. Doing whatever a God/preacher/holy book says, no matter how horrific the consequences, isn’t morality but the complete absence of it. Things that hurt people are bad, whether God says so or not, and things that help people are good, whether God says so or not.

    I’d like to have kids someday. I want to teach them that they’re in control of their world, for good or for bad. That their actions can make a real difference in other people’s lives. I want them to have the courage to do the right thing even when it’s unpopular due to religion or cultural traditions.

    So a question I struggle with, is can a woman hold the same morals and values as me, despite being ‘religious’? Or am I limited to only dating nontheists? I’ve yet to date a Christian long term so I don’t really know. I’d like to think some values are universal.

    As a side note, open discrimination against atheists isn’t cool. Shared values are important for any relationship, but just because someone doesn’t share the same values as you, doesn’t mean they don’t have any values at all.

    Stuff like this gets annoying after a while:

    • admin / Jul 23 2013 8:48 am

      Yes I said it out loud. I think you would have a difficult time dating a Christian long term because your values and morals are fundamentally different. I never said atheists do not have any values at all so not sure where you got that from.

      Good luck!

      • Mateo / Aug 1 2013 12:52 am

        I may have overreacted a bit. It would be similar to hearing a man say “I would be willing to date people of other ethnicities, but I’d draw the line at dating a black woman.” Everyone is entitled to their preference, but that’s still gotta sting, especially when there’s the stereotype that most men feel that way.

        Bigotry often calls out the moral failings of the “other” as a means to justify discrimination. The other is violent. They’re criminals. They have no control over their impulses. Don’t let your daughter date one, they can’t be trusted. It doesn’t matter whether or not any of those things are true, if you say them often enough you can institutionalize discrimination on a societal level.

        Dating isn’t easy if you belong to the least trusted minority in America. ( So while people have their preferences, if you’re constantly being discriminated against that colors your perception a bit.

      • bigthink / Apr 4 2014 3:13 am

        I identify as an atheist, and I completely understand her “line” because i have similar one for religious/spiritual people. And it is quite easily distinguishable from race, as race does not dictate morals, worldviews, etc. Religion/faith, etc does by definition.

        It is not that I hold any hatred toward those with faith, but it does play a huge role in a person’s compatibility.

        1) If we are going to be partners and make life decisions together, I will have a very hard time trusting a man or his judgment if his worldview is based on something I fully reject, i.e. the idea that a god will help or intervene. Likewise, I would assume it would be highly unsettling for a man of faith to trust my judgement/make life decisions with him knowing I reject the foundation of his life.

        2) I’ve met/dated some black men who aren’t actually religious but “want a good Christian woman” because they want to ensure the woman has certain values that will make their lives more pleasurable, e.g. submissive, faithful, forgiving, etc, but don’t actually have or intend to have comparable faith/righteousness. It’s seriously terrible, and I hope women of faith have the confidence to demand more of their partners.

        3) There are some people who claim a high level of religiosity but are just talking out of their necks. I can deal with (and obviously prefer) the lack of religious actions, but the disingenuous facade is a character killer . . .

        Statistically, most agnostics or atheists are white. And I have to say, to suggest that more white men are so because their lives aren’t hard is terribly simplistic. Poster nikki is right. BUT It’s education AND culture. Try telling your black grandmom your atheist on Thanksgiving and see how well that goes over . . . .

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