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September 11, 2012 / admin

Comment Win by M!


Since this comment, submitted by M, is buried under 80 or so other comments in the post, Should you be Skeptical of White Men who only Date Black Women, I thought I’d feature it here on the main page!

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Some of these comments, in my opinion, offer cautionary tales to anyone who’d approach a man/woman across the color line. It just goes to show that attraction is what it is…even people with severe racial hangups on either side sometimes can’t help but be attracted to what they fear, or what makes them question their racial loyalties. How one deals with attraction across a culture or color “barrier” (in quotes because it isn’t naturally there, but it is a socially constructed reality) is the issue. How any particular White guy/man or Black girl/woman deals with their attraction matters more than why it exists in the first place. Why question a natural biological reaction and turn it into something ugly?

I think it is quite INSANE to want a man to be attracted to a woman with specific attributes, but call it a “fetish” if he develops a general preference for those attributes based upon his experience with her. I’ve dated a few White men. I’ve encountered some who are in that first flush of discovery of a type of woman they hadn’t considered, or weren’t around, or had been scared to approach, but finally did for whatever reason. I thought it was a beautiful thing. People, this is what is supposed to happen when you figure out that you like something you didn’t know you liked before you tried it! Having said that, I completely understand the wariness that some Black women have about the intent of White men who are exploring a new avenue for love (or maybe just sex). It SHOULD be the same wariness with which these women view ANY man, because men are men in this regard. They like sex, and they will pursue it relentlessly with women they are attracted to. That’s like saying the sun rises in the east and sets in the west….next!

My man didn’t date Black women until he left his small Western town to see the world. Where he grew up most everyone is Nordic looking, or Native American, so it was not really an option for him for many years. I don’t know how many Black women he’s been with (or White, Asian, Latin women for that matter), but I’m sure he has been with enough women to know what he likes. What mattered to me is that he saw ME, as a multifaceted individual, not just a sex object, a buddy, or someone to pass the time with. Since he sees ME and appreciates ME for who I am, I assume that what got his attention are physical attributes I have that he already appreciated, either generally because he has a type and I fit into it, or specifically because he liked how I was put together. I would hope that, if we don’t work out, he’d now be on the lookout for a woman like me (however he’d define it) based on having such a great experience.

As for me, I would have chosen him hands down physically, but I have never dated a guy with his background and profession, so wasn’t checking for his type at all. I didn’t know he was perfect for me until I got to know him. What I now know is that there is another “type” of guy out there that I might be compatible with, despite superficial differences that seemed to matter more than they really do. So now, I’d find myself drawn to guys like him, and I’d see possibilities where I didn’t before. Does that mean I have a fetish?

Ladies, if I can offer unsolicited advice to anyone who is worried about the fetish thing: Seek a quality man first and foremost. Don’t date a guy just because he’s White (or Black, or whatever). Figure out what you want, what you like, and then date guys with those qualities. You’ll find that you simply aren’t attracting (or attracted to!) men who only want to be with you because you are a Black woman.

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6 Comments

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  1. Shia / Sep 13 2012 4:00 am

    Said so simply and yet so true. I co-sign 100% on this comment. Thanks for making it a post as well.

  2. M / Sep 18 2012 10:29 am

    Thank you, this is awesome! I’m M. I support what you are doing here on your blog 200%!

  3. angie / Jan 11 2013 3:42 am

    THESE BLACK MEN ARE VICTIMS OF SOCIETY. MOST OF THESE MEN CAME UP POOR, AND NEVER HAD A DIME TO THEIR NAMES. THESE WHITE GIRLS ARE PREDATERS. THEY NEVER HAD ANYTHING, AND NEVER WOULD EVER MARRY A RICH WHITE MAN. SO THEIR ONLY OPTION IS TO MARRY A DUMB RICH BLACK MAN. MOST OF THESE MEN NEVER GREW UP WITH A SENSE OF SELF, SO THEY GET CAUGHT UP IN THE GLAMOUR. THEY THINK THAT ALL WHITE WOMEN ARE GOOD, UNTIL AFTER THEY GET INTO THESE RELATIONSHIPS. I FEEL SORRY FOR THESE BROTHERS BECAUSE AS THEY MATURE THEY BEGAN TO SEE THE REAL PICTURE, BUT BY THAT TIME THE WHITE GIRL HAVE ALREADY HAD CHILDREN. MOST OF THESE GUYS ARE BABIES, THEY NEVER BEEN AWAY FROM HOME, THE WHITE GIRL IS HUNGRY AND OUT ON THE PROWL, THEY COULDN’T MAKE IT IN THE BUSINESS SO THEY GO AFTER THESE BLACK BOYS. I SEE IT EVERY DAY. THESE ARE WHITE TRAILER PARK TRASH. THERE IS NO LOVE IN THESE RELATIONSHIP, BUT THESE WHITE GIRLS THREATEN TO KILL THEMSELVES, HURT THESE BROTHERS IN SOME WAY AND THEY GIVE IN. I HAVE TALKED TO MANY BROTHERS THAT HAD TEARS IN THEIR EYES. WE ONLY SEE THE SURFACE, IF ONLY THE BLACK WOMEN REACH OUT TO THEM THEY WOULD NOT FEEL SO LONELY. WE MUST LOVE ALL OUR BLACK MEN REGARDLESS OF WHAT WE PROCEED THAT THEY ARE DOING. LOVE CONQUERS ALL. I ALWAYS TELL THEM HOW MUCH I TRULY LOVE THEM.

  4. angie / Jan 11 2013 4:18 am

    black women must stay strong and be the best that they can be. black women should open their eyes and see that none of these brother have ever married a rich or highly educated white woman. these women are the trash and bottom of the barrel. when we judge black men , it pushes them farer away. when black women see a black men with white women , smile and say hello. you will see that they love us . this will defeat the white women scams. the white woman hate for a black woman to be nice to a black man who they see with a white woman. i have met plenty of black men like that. just because i treat them with respect and is kind to them , they always treat me like a queen. black women should straigthen up their faces, keep a smile on it, dress to impress and see that the black man will be putty in their hands. i have so many black men hitting on me that i hate to come outside.
    i am a dark skinned black women, with a beautful face and body, the white women get mad when they see me. i keep myself looking good everyday. these brothers will be with the white women and they will be memerized when they see me smiling , speaking and happy. the white woman gets upset and starts rolling her eyes. i learned this from my dad, and he taught me well.you can catch more bee with honey. these white women are always acusing their men of being with me .black women must learn to play the game. black women must get out of their ghetto ways, dress respectful, be sweet and kind and loving, black men flip over this. i am very affectionate, i don’t degrate myself in anyway, i keep my legs closed. i find out his interests, and what makes him tick. the man i have now is drop dead gorgeous, he is the kindest and sweetest man in the world, with a beautful smile. he does not have money but we share what we have. when i first met him he was with a white woman, she got mad at him because he ask me if he knew me. when i saw him again it was on.
    i most of the time tell men that i am married to get them off of my back. i love black men and i have only been with black men , black men treat me very well, because that is the way i treat them.

    • admin / Jan 11 2013 5:18 pm

      Happy for you … S o o o o why are you on this site again?

    • jvlaw / Jan 12 2013 6:32 pm

      That’s a great testimony. I’d have to ask the same question as above, “why are you on this blog?” You’re obviously an advocate for dating black men.

      My brief take on this topic is I don’t do anything wrong to black men. They get themselves in trouble. As an ambitious, intelligent, black woman, I don’t owe a black man my time. I’m not obligated to date black men because I’m black. Those of us that choose to date white men are not turning our backs on black men; we are just exercising our pursuit of happiness (whatever race that person may be). Society cannot chain us to black men.

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