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March 30, 2012 / admin

9 Tips to Becoming Girlfriend Material


On our post about dating interacially in college, one of the tips mentioned befriending guys/girls outside of your ‘race’ despite not having a romantic interest. A commentor wondered how one would go from always being ‘the friend’ to girlfriend material.

As someone who has been in 3 long term relationships, and turned down more than a few guys who wanted me to be their girlfriend, here are my tips for becoming girlfriend material.

1. Make your intentions known.

Don’t be just the friend when it comes to a guy that you are interested in. This doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly, but when getting to know that person you must be seen as a romantic interest. So, you shouldn’t be giving him dating advice, the person you are interested should not see you as a therapist/friend/love coach. Always actively flirt with a guy you are interested in. Even if he initially did not think of you romantically, if you are able to charge the conversation towards a flirty/sexual direction, it won’t be too long before his view of your shifts (particularly if you are take pride in your appearance – makeup, pretty clothes, feminine hairdo, keep fit). Most men (and people in general) tend to like someone more once they know they are liked. Your job is to display that you like this person in a romantic way through witty banter, charms, lots of smiling, slight touching, fun conversation and so on.

2. Date many men at once.

Although I do not advocate verbalizing this to a guy (it comes across as trying to make him jealous) it does subconsciously change the way you relate to the guys you are dating. If you are out on a Friday and Saturday night enjoying your interactions with 2 new guys you won’t have time to be sitting by the phone wondering about the guy you went out with last week. Be present with each guy and always try to have as much fun as possible. This may be difficult if you find yourself liking one guy way more than the others – the trick then is to continue finding more quality guys to date! You want your decision to be as difficult as possible so that you do not become too attached or hooked on one particular guy. When you have an abundance mentality or a “I can take you or leave you” mindset, your ways of relating to men will change. You will find yourself less likely to try to prove yourself or impress a guy you’re dating. This doesn’t mean you are aloof or uncaring, you just are “outcome independent” which is intriguing to men.

3. Become a cool girl.

If a guy ever thinks to himself, “wow, she’s really cool,” while referring to you, you’ve got it in the bag. What is a cool girl? A cool girl is fun, exciting, has a good sense of humor (laughs at his jokes or makes jokes of her own – although being funny is not all that important). A cool girl isn’t desperate, needy or “psycho” – a label guys love to throw out. A cool girl acts …. wait for it, cool and collected. She isn’t obsessive, she is in control of herself and her emotions and we know how much men shy away from emotional girls. She isn’t worried about being liked – she can be “herself”. She isn’t flustered around a guy (i.e. – confident in herself and her skin). A cool girl doesn’t preempt a guy for fear that he won’t call. She let’s him pursue her – and most guys like to feel like they have to put a little bit of effort to get the girl that he likes. (We value what we have to work for) Some people are confused and think a cool girl means being a “tom boy”, loving sports or being competitive. Nope. You don’t want to come across as one of the guys, but showing a little bit of interest in his hobbies – (the real him) is a good idea!

4. Make the guy you are crushing on feel good.


Who doesn’t want to be around someone who makes them feel good? Think about your friends – some you always want to invite to the party and others – well, you aren’t all that concerned whether they come or not… if you even remember to invite them. What’s the difference between the one you have to invite and the other being meh? Well, the one you have to invite makes you feel good. Maybe they are the life of the party, you know they will make you laugh and know how to have a good time! The same thought applies in becoming girlfriend material. How do you make a guy feel good? You compliment him *don’t overdo it*, flirt with him, exchange shy smiles, touch him, laugh heartily at his jokes or laugh while telling him that he made a good effort at a joke, encourage and support him, really listen and show an interest in him by remembering things he said and bringing it back up to him in some amusing way, ask him for help and thank him/reward him for helping you, don’t push or try to create an instant relationship/commitment off the bat!

5. Implement some push and pull.

You want to make a man addicted to you! When a guy thinks about you often and wonders about you, well then you are well on your way to becoming his girlfriend. Push and pull means you give a little, you withhold a little. Give a little means you make a guy earn your affection little by little, don’t give it all away at once. He should be wanting and trying to impress you…. if a guy ever says “I did this… are you proud of me” or “I don’t want you to get the wrong impression of me” he is trying to prove himself to you. On the other hand, you should never try to prove yourself to a guy! Try to be the one offering the positive reward. When you are with the guy you like, you always want to keep him guessing – that means being predictable. (So, you’re talking, pretend to remove something in his hair or on his cheek.) Another tip is to make him feel really good, being fully present in the moment, teasing or challenging a little, get him to emotionally invest in you (sharing things about his real self with you), reward him for doing so and then leaving on a high note. Then, the next time you see him, holding things back a little bit (while still being kind), or if talking through e-mail respond randomly (sometimes right away, sometimes in 8 hours, sometimes 2 days later) – and being unapologetic about it. The overall point is to keep a guy guessing (but generally letting him know you like him as studies show men prefer to know when a girl is interested), on his toes and craving more – because the truth of the matter is nobody likes to be bored and everybody likes a little bit of excitement!

6. Be a high value girl

This relates a bit to dating other guys. You want a guy to think you have options and he would be nuts to not try to take you off the market. How do you become a high value girl? By having an interesting and full life. This doesn’t mean you don’t have time for your guy, it just means your world does not revolve around him and he won’t have to worry about the pressure of making you happy! People want to be with and around people who are successful or if not yet successful, going places! People like to be around people who inspire them. People want to be around people who have interesting lives, are doing – not just standing still, and who elevate them by association. The moral being cultivate a life, explore who you are and what you stand for, get into self development (have goals that you are always striving to reach), set your boundaries and know that you are worthy and a great catch. One thing I recommend doing is making a list of the things that you bring to relationship and being *confident* that you have a lot to offer a man and he would be lucky to have you! Another way to show that you are a high value girl is to let a man work to sleep with you. I know it can be tempting to be all new-agey in our hook up culture, but resist the temptation to give the milk away for free if you want to become a girlfriend. This doesn’t mean you have to wait a year or 6 months before you sleep with a guy, it just means don’t sleep with a guy until he has proven that he is genuinely interested in you and likes you for who you are (takes you on dates, calls you regularly, shows interest in you). Us women are intuitive and we know when a guy is actually into us or not. Don’t make excuses for men and generally if you have to say he is acting “confusing” or giving “mixed signals” .. [warning – overused cliche ahead] say it with me now “he’s just not that into you!”

7. Have no expectations –

This may seem weird to you… you may be thinking “I want him to want me. How can I not have any expectations”. Well, think about it for a second. When we get attached to something or have expectations (thinking about how you’ll spend your 1 year anniversary, planning trips in your head, fantasizing about getting along with his family) you are putting the cart before the horse. You are becoming emotionally invested and everyone wants to see their investment pay off! When you want to see your investment pay off you are more likely to start doing things and trying to make things happen! You pretty much start acting like the opposite of the cool girl – the desperado! And if/when the relationship fails you lose the outcome! So, how do you get to know someone without getting attached? Simple, you enjoy the process and stop harping on the outcome! Enjoy the interaction for what it is (be open, share of yourself) and accept the other person’s presence as a gift as a moment in time. Enjoy actually getting to know the guy and be okay with the idea that it could only temporary. (a side note: By not sleeping with a guy very early it is much easier to do this as sleeping with someone *especially someone you like* creates an attachment, like it or not)

8. Let him know you can be trusted –

Trust is important to a man. A man doesn’t want to make a girl his main woman if she is highly likely to cheat on him, steal from him, lie to him, etc. Most men want a “sweet, good, cool” girl, but he doesn’t want that girl to be extra sweet and flirty with everyone else. If he tells you deep and personal things about himself he doesn’t want to have to worry that everyone will know his secrets. This applies in general across the board (for men and women). Why would you confide in someone and bring them close to you if you didn’t trust them? How do you build trust with a stranger? Show integrity in your actions *remember people are always watching and reading between the lines of what you say and what you do*, communicate your values and sharing of yourself *see creating am emotional connection.

9. Create an emotional connection –

This is so important it cannot be stressed enough! Yes, men are totally visual! If you look good, chances are they will be interested in you physically – in other words, they will sleep with you if you let them. This doesn’t mean you are automatic girlfriend material. Most men can and will sleep with a woman whom he finds attractive but wouldn’t want to spend quality time with. The way you create an emotional connection or bond with someone is when they feel comfortable and trust you enough to be their real selves with you – they feel they can tell you anything (and you won’t judge them or berate them). They feel you are really interested in discovering who they are. They feel you have many things in common (people like others who are similar to them in morals, values and beliefs because you reinforce that what they have spent all their lives believing is right. On the other hand people like others who are slightly different enough to offer something new and unique to the table – for example, if a man is weak in one area he may find it admirable and appealing when a woman is strong in that particular area). I strongly suggest you read up more on creating emotional connections with people and if you find any good articles paste the link below!

What are some of your tips to becoming girlfriend material? Share below!

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7 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Jamie / Apr 1 2012 10:27 pm

    I like this post, but I always thought guys see you a gf material when they spend more time with you. but what happens if a guy never asks you out on a date and just wnats to hang out all the time doing nothing? Does it mean he does not see you as girlfriend material? Because if he saw you as more wouldnt he want to take you places and show you off?

  2. Joseph Hutch / Apr 11 2012 2:31 pm

    Ok. I think this post needs a man’s perspective. If men don’t want to settle down or have a gf they won’t. You can’t make me want to have you as a gf no matter what you look like or who you are. I once had a beautiful girl who I knew wanted to be exclusive, waited for two yrs for me(she happened to be white btw). I just wasn’t ready for an exclusive relationship, I wanted to basically be free. We had an emotional and physical connection however I wanted to play the field. In that time we got really close, she would play the ‘push and pull game’, I played because I wanted sex, not going to lie. Men say and do whatever they need to to have sex, so in no way are these tips gonna help women get a boyfriend if the guy they’re after doesn’t want one.
    To be honest all women offer the same thing, just as men do. White or black. Just bc a woman is black doesn’t mean her sex is better, which is what some white men think (I’m not gonna lie). I think we have been taught from the slavery era that black women are exotic and forbidden but it’s not so.

    • df / Apr 13 2012 4:26 pm

      Spoken like a true guy. I have an older brother who has pretty much been a woman magnet since his college days and when he wanted to be “free”, he never settled down even though he met great girls. He’s a stable, very responsible and great guy though. When he wanted to find a girlfriend, he’d soon be in a LTR which he thought would lead to marraige but didn’t…he’s back to wanting to be free and is dating like 3-4 girls at once. I’m just like wow. I’m glad he talks to me about his dating life because it gives me a massive heads up with knowing what is going on in guys’ heads.

    • admin / Aug 15 2012 12:21 pm

      Well Actually, that is an excellent point Joseph Hutch. Tip # 10 – Find guys who want to be in a relationship. And if he tells you he doesn’t want a girlfriend right now, believe him!
      Thanks for the male perspective!

      • Average Guy / May 28 2013 2:00 am

        Well said! It is important to pay attention and when people show or tell you who they are…believe them. Everyone has ways of telling you, and those who try to run game can only keep it up for so long. I always found that I was quick to get into relationships and tended to be drawn to women who were looking for the same thing. I always prefer a deeper connection with someone over playing the field.

Trackbacks

  1. Girlfriend material | Selcer
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