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December 25, 2011 / admin

Honestly, You asked!


Here’s a new segment I like to call, Honestly, you asked. This is where people ask questions relating to their relationships with white men, black women and you guys give your honest answers in your best attempt at helping.
I’ve been flirting w/ a guy from school for a few months. He’s been hot & cold and after finally asking him when he would make a move he suggested we get together. We exchanged very flirty/sexually charged emails. I suggested doing something that’s a bit costly I guess for a nonworking graduate student. He agreed and didn’t mention the cost but ended up backing out b/c of the late time, pushing it to the next day. Well, he backed out of that too, apologizing and saying it was unintentional (school project due) promising after school we’d get together for sure and that he wanted to.Lo and behold, we finally did get together for a school project a few days after that ended in dinner with friends. It was a nice night and immediately after I got home he was emailing me flirty messages, saying now that school was over we’d go on a real date that I could choose.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we agreed to go to a comedy show. 4 hrs before we were to go he backed out of the date saying he was feeling SICK and suggested a movie instead if I was ok with him being a little sick. I said ok but we can’t do anything for me to catch your sickness and he was like, oh – let’s postpone until next week when I feel better then. Of course, I was livid and tried to convince him that I really was looking forward to seeing him and couldn’t believe he was doing this again.

He apologized AGAIN saying that he didn’t know he would get sick and he obviously would rather hang out with me than stay home and sleep. So just to see what he would say I offered to bring him some soup and spend a little time with him. He never responded as I figured he wouldn’t. 2 days later I emailed him again imploring him to be honest and tell me if his feelings had changed. He apologized saying he didn’t mean to give that impression, and that his feelings hadn’t changed. He was just really sick and not thinking about things. HUH?

The thing is early early this morning he posted on facebook about a guy being one of the greatest wingmen of all time! He was supposed to be sick though. He doesn’t know I can see his postings on facebook.

I like this guy and just really want him for a good/fun time (i feel very attracted to him). But I hate that he is so cavalier about disappointing me, insists on ACTING LIKE he likes me and now seems to be lying to me. I obviously can’t confront him/or make demands on his time b/c we aren’t a couple. What should I do?

Tidbit: He’s 23, I’m 27 – he’s never been in a serious relationship. I’m wondering if he is a virgin and if he’s scared to get close to me.

I’m also wondering if there is another woman or if he is just not that into me but wants to keep me on the back burner. I directly asked him if other women were pursuing him and he sidestepped the question.
If it makes a difference, I’m black and he is white
GIVE YOUR HONEST ANSWERS BELOW! Don’t hold back now, ya hear!
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33 Comments

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  1. Shia / Dec 25 2011 3:29 pm

    He is a d*ckhead. No matter what race a guy is, guys are what they DO not what they say.
    After the first time of letting him know how you feel there was no change in his behaviour which means he is just to immature to deal with. Plus, if he has never been in a serious relationship at 23 I don’t think it is because he is afraid to get close to women, he seems more interested in the chasing aspect of dating instead of relationships. Have fun with a guy who doesn’t need a wake up call in order to treat you with respect. Although he is cute, leave this guy to his games.

  2. g2-945c26a125d7f491a42da6334ca2a0dc / Dec 25 2011 4:09 pm

    Honestly, he has someone on the side that he is equally interested in pursuing and it’s not you. It’s harsh but no man who is really interested in a woman will keep making excuses and putting it off. I’ve had the same experiences twice and that ended up being the situation. So, before you get even more hurt, just move on. You deserve to be treated with respect and that’s not what he is giving you. Best of luck with this situation.

    • Yaya / Dec 25 2011 4:49 pm

      Hi. I am the question asker. I hear you about men not putting off a woman if they are really interested. That is why I wondered if it was a financial thing. Dating can be expensive and he is a non-working graduate student. I was just wondering if that was something I should factor. of course I do not want to make excuses for him and let him use and abuse me.

  3. Sherry / Dec 25 2011 11:41 pm

    Wow babee girl, I am almost twice your age (50) and having an experience with a black man my age that sounds VERY similar (except wondering about another woman). When he said to me “You know I’ve always had a crush on you” I said No, and proceeded to tell him why. Has his behavior changed much since that discussion – NO, and so I am done. I will be pleasant with him when I happen to run into him, or if he calls, but no more calling him first, or considering him as a viable candidate. I suspect you might want to do the same …

  4. WingedBeast / Dec 26 2011 12:55 am

    To my thinking, there are two possibilities here, neither are good for having fun with him or having a relationship.

    A. as the book title goes, he’s just not that in to you. Somebody else suggested that he’s equally interested in someone else. He could just be more interested in himself. Or, being that you said you couldn’t do anything that might let you catch what he had he said no, it could be that he’s more interested in sex than other kinds of fun. (Nothing against sex, but even the most relaxed of relationships have other parts to them.)

    B. He’s scared. Could be scared of getting close, could be scared of embarassing himself, could be scared of revealing his lack of wealth. Or, due to reasons of other girlfriend, racist relations, relations just being jerks, or him being just too big of a jerk, he might be afraid of being seen with you. (Erase all suggestion of anything wrong with you from that sentence.)

    Look over his suggestions for what you might do together. What do they have in common? You might find a commonality of avoiding romance, avoiding anything that might not lead quickly to bed, avoiding being seen by a girlfriend.

    If he is being a jerk, feel free to slap him for me. If he is just afraid of intimacy or of embarassing himself, he’s not ready to get into this with you.

    • yaya / Dec 26 2011 11:39 am

      Thanks winged beast. But if he was only interested in sex wouldn’t he want me to come over and play his wet nurse when I offered it, instead of completely ignoring me like I was coming on too strong. The dates he suggests are always daytime dates for some reason but I am trying not to read into it too much and assume he has a woman in his bed at night.

      I also thought of him postponing after I said we couldn’t do anything where I could catch what he had (meaning kissing only) and that confused me even more since if his concern was intimacy then it would be a chance for us to enjoy each others company w/o the pressure of getting sexual. He is so confusing and he admits to as much, saying I shouldn’t try to figure him out.

      • Dee Dee Russell / Jan 1 2012 10:30 pm

        Quit it now. Stop ask for information about a man who has no interest in you stop wasting your time.

        WHY do young women waste so much space thinking about men who have no interest in them? He wants you to chase him and bang him and he will dump you as he does not like you. Race has nothing to do with it.

        Move on. Block and delete. If you don’t you’re a fool and I’m telling it to you straight, as an older female sick of hearing females waste time about Mr. Wrongs.

  5. g2-945c26a125d7f491a42da6334ca2a0dc / Dec 27 2011 4:33 am

    Yaya…..if homeboy is only suggesting day dates, he got a side chick. Stop reading into what he’s saying. The fact that is a non-working graduate student is not a reason for him to keep postponing dates. My best advice at this point is to keep it moving. The signs and flags are there but you’re ignoring it because you think there could be something more. Don’t linger on this for too long because trust….you will get hurt. Best of luck with your decision.

    • Song of travel / Feb 4 2012 11:48 am

      Ok as a white guy (living in Australia) I have a problem with this comment. Just because a guy sets up day dates does not automatically mean that is seeing somebody else. Don’t get me wrong this guy is toying with you canceling all the time and it’s not cool but not seeing you at night dosent mean that there is somebody else. My personal opinion: move on. It’s apparent that he is not giving as much as you are.

  6. Nora / Dec 27 2011 10:29 am

    Good words g2…

    His constant backing out suggests he wants to find out how long he can string you along. He maybe using you to boost his ego.

    I have been there as well. I was really attracted to this guy. He acted like he is attracted to me. But his actions said “He’s not that into you”. I had to learn that actions speak louder than words.

    You impress me as someone who has much to offer (grad student, blogger, etc) but don’t offer it this guy. If this guy is really into you there is nothing that would keep him from being with you — not tests or sickness.

    Now for the hard part: You are worth chasing. Stop chasing him.

    • df / Dec 28 2011 2:35 pm

      great reply!

  7. Chrissy / Dec 31 2011 1:26 pm

    My two cents…I think it would be good to do the following:
    1) Make a list of the character traits that you are looking for in a potential dating partner. If you have an idea of what you are looking for, it may be easier to vet someone who isn’t dating material.
    2) Expand your pool of potential men. Join a dating service or a meet up group, volunteer, etc. If you expand your options, you will have the opportunity to meet a variety of men. This situation will allow you to better assess the kind of men you like and want to be with.

    You can probably tell that I don’t think this guy is a great fit. You’ve already told him that you are interested, but he continues to be “hot & cold”. At the end of the day, is this what you want in a relationship?

    My ex-boyfriend was a student (didn’t make a lot of money) but he was still able to find ways to hang out. For example, he would make me lunch and drop by my office to do a picnic around campus. (I work at a university.)

    I agree with the others, when a man is interested, you will know. Personally, I would give this guy some space. If he starts treating you in a way that makes you feel confident in a potential relationship (not being “hot & cold”), then there might be potential. But until then, I would explore other social circles.

  8. nikki7 / Jan 3 2012 8:37 pm

    Sorry to be blunt, but he is just not that into you. A man, a real man, will let nothing stop/keep him from the girl he loves. Sickness, financial ect……Fact. There are TONS of great guys out there. Don’t waste your time on this one.

  9. Tiffany / Jan 6 2012 1:18 pm

    Move on, don’t look back! Most importantly, do not read anything into his sudden cancellations, other than he’s not interested.

    • Lisa / Jan 6 2012 10:18 pm

      So wait… all this has been going on a few months and you haven’t even had a date yet?

      Sorry, but you come off waaaay too thirsty. All of this suggesting and offering and “Imploring” (i.e. begging) over a man who keeps playing you time after time…

      This is not a good look, Whether you like it or not, you come off as really desperate here…

  10. Let's be Realistic / Jan 13 2012 10:33 am

    yeah move on please 🙂 these types of situations do NOTHING for the woman’s sense of self. he is not god’s greatest gift, or the last man on earth. i stings at first, then you hate him, then you move on

  11. Dee Dee Russell / Jan 13 2012 6:16 pm

    So whats the deal OP? Are you still being in denial or have you taken the advice of the majority and moved on?? Now, if you reply with still more excuses…girl there would be something seriously wrong with you!

  12. yaya / Jan 20 2012 3:20 pm

    @ Dee Dee Russell

    I didn’t take the advice and kept pursuing and what you guys said would happen ended up happening. I kept pushing, we slept together, I felt great about it but could tell it didn’t mean anything to him, especially when he didn’t call 2 days later. I followed up and got the old brush off. I let some time pass and sent a casual message about doing something and got silence. I got the message (sucks I had to learn the hard way) and sent him a final message wishing him all the best b/c I know we are going to be running into each other soon and don’t want it to be too weird. I do feel like an idiot and just wished I had listened to you all, but I am moving on and letting this be a lesson.

    • Dee Dee Russell / Jan 20 2012 5:38 pm

      SEE? To all the young ladies reading this realize that we older ladies know what the hell we’re talking about and only want the best for you.

      The prob with young girls is that they think they’re special and will be the exception of the rule.

      Now go take your butt to the library or bookstore…read The Rules and Why Men Love Bitches.

      Young ladies NEVER chase men! If they’re not sweating you, you don’t want them.

      Please don’t punk yourself or be a fool for a man who DOES NOT WANT YOU.

      Never. Chase. A. Man! He’ll bang you dump you avoid you laugh about you and tell all his friends what a fool you were.

      • yaya / Jan 20 2012 8:21 pm

        I used to think that way (never chase a man) after chasing a guy in h.s. and feeling like an idiot when he made a game of running away. After that all my boyfriends had to chase me, with the exception of me initiating contact with a guy who promptly made it known the feeling was mutual, so I wouldn’t consider that chasing.

        I thought, well I’m older now and proactive in every area of my life so why not go for this hot young guy and have fun with him. Yeah, he’s giving me just the bare minimum to keep me around, yeah the flags are glaringly obvious, yeah he’s a flake/kinda difficult/full of excuses so it’s not really fun (as winged beast mentioned), but I just have to do/say the right combination of things and I’ll get him.

        Trust me, NEVER again! I did stupidly think I would be the exception to the rule and that once he slept with me, he would see how fun I was and shift his thinking. I guess a guy’s world can’t really be rocked by a woman he cares nothing about or even if the sex is good if he wasn’t thinking about you before he’ll go right back to not thinking about you after. To be fair he did tell me he wasn’t looking for anything serious so while he isn’t the “nice guy” I thought he was given his actions of blowing me off, I see the part I had to play in it. I now know how ridiculous I was being and I am going to be avoiding him like the plague (even switched my classes around so that I won’t see him).

      • ecomama / Feb 7 2012 7:08 am

        I am so sorry you had to sleep with him to learn this. You should be more careful about who you share (the wonderful gift of ) your body. Honestly. This just makes me sooo sad.

      • ecomama / Feb 7 2012 7:10 am

        And read Eve Sharon Moore – any of her Books. If they’re not in the library, then buy it. Study it, live it. A small investment for the rest of your life.

  13. Dee Dee Russell / Jan 20 2012 8:45 pm

    You are being reflective in a mature fashion. High school? High school and love have nothing to do with each other HS kids shouldn’t even be dating, need to focus on studies!

    Of course you thought you’d be the exception many women wear blinders or think their tender trap is one of a kind.

    Listen, he was blowing you off in that white boy passive aggressive way that some of them have and you refused to take the hint nor good advice; fearing confrontation he kept blowing you off hoping you’d notice those glaring red flags and take a hike. And yes stay the heck out his way! When you see him give a closed mouth smile and move away!

    Young ladies remember this – a man can and will have sex with you and not even like you! Yeh I know. Thems the raw facts. Similar to a young lady going on a shopping spree courtesy of that guy she’s not romantically interested! You’re like, if he’s gonna offer I’m taking him up on it. Welp, that’s how some men are if you throw the kitty they will take it and move on. Lesson learned and a teachable moment for BW swirlers.

    • yaya / Jan 24 2012 12:00 pm

      Dee Dee, please help! I tried to change my classes around but one of those classes I can’t help but change otherwise I will have to take it with a more difficult professor (think open book exams vs. closed book exams). So now I am stuck having to see him once a week when I was planning on getting over him by no contact / out of sight out of mind / “never to exist on this planet”.

      I looked at it from his perspective and if I were in a class where I knew a guy was pining for me it wouldn’t make me all that uncomfortable as long as he didn’t try to talk to me or bother me because I wouldn’t want him. But from my perspective seeing him just makes me think about him and analyze and regret pursuing him so adamantly. I don’t want to think about him at all but now….

      What should I do?

      • Dee Dee Russell / Jan 24 2012 9:18 pm

        Quit creating dramatic scenes in your head its not that serious you’ve got better things to focus on mainly your education. Everybody plays the fool sometime live and learn-journal or write some poetry! You were warned by your elders and ignored us live and learn… really, its not that deep my dear you should be over it by now! If this continues you might need to speak to a professional for self esteem issues.
        I digress.

        “What should I do?”
        NOTHING. Nothing. Nothing!
        Ignore him and focus on your studies, you’re not a kid, you know. In some countries you’d be a grandmother by now! 27 is almost 30, 40…and there you go! If you can’t ignore dude (broken record) you need to speak to a counselor or therapist cause there would be a much bigger issue than some dweeb not worthy of your time who got you to chase him. Tough loving you, kitten.

  14. Let's be Realistic / Jan 21 2012 4:34 pm

    I’m a young black girl and i think i’ll pass on the swirling now lol too much craziness. if its not the racial put downs its something else. i used to think because white boys were different somehow they’d be better. after hearing about other people’s experiences…ugh i just want nothing to do with white people lol and i deal with so much crap on a daily basis. i’ll give it to myself, i’m pretty and smart…but often pretty lonely. white girls around me are usually kinda airheaded and self-centered, and from my experiences with them in highschool they are very into social agression, they would stab their own mother in the back if they had to. and white boys are just into their own pleasure and most of them think white women are the crowned queens of beauty, completely blinding themselves to the fact that white women are just as average as most girls of every race. they stare me down always trying to flirt and i did entertain a few of them…but now i’m just going to keep shutting them down. lol maybe i’m in a bad place in my life but i actually get pleasure in shutting them down.

    they come up to me, see that i’m attractive and classy, and assume that i’m going to automatically go for them because they’re white, and I LOVE LOVE the little sad hurt puppy face they make when they get shut down. i know its a problem, but for now, its a temporary remedy to the bitterness i feel. i’ve been through a lot of bs with all races but idk why this pleases me so much.

    what bothers me about some IR blogs and sites is that they act like white men are these gods of wonderfulness. they are definitely NOT NOT NOT. i mean sure there are probably a few but in all honesty majority of them are racist and closed minded. and they are notorious for flirting outrageously with a black guy (like the OP in this story) and then vanishing when the girl actually expects the relationship to go somewhere. then its all like “you didn’t expect me to actually want your negro behind did you?” lol because many of them are pansies. they only care what their parents, friends, etc. think.

    imo interracial dating isn’t worth it, and dating black guys is even LESS worth it lol as you can see my romantic life probably doesn’t have a bright future.

    • Dee Dee Russell / Jan 21 2012 6:03 pm

      @Lets

      What you need is a community of like minded people. And international travels! First, start your own. I’d say blog rather than tumblr, cause you love to write 😉 Do you know Onikea the Traveler blog?

      You make good points about the behaviors of some BP and WP. People are people and its true some self hating BM throw BW under the bus what else is new? Move away from them.

      Look-the planet has billions of folks on it. Move towards the love and leave the rest behind wish I had heard that during my tender years.

      You have a bright future. It’s cool to not to focus on a mate, you dont need to date. Take a year off! Focus on studies and study people. Read and research all you can. TRAVEL. Don’t worry young one you are on the right path. However you must stop hanging with bigots and move amongst the world in a calm mood with a peaceful smile on your face 🙂

    • ecomama / Feb 7 2012 7:17 am

      Why are you bitter? Men are men. There are good’uns and bad’uns regardless of skin color.
      Once you can sort for yourself what you want out of life and go get it, then you’ll find the general quality of men you meet will rise.
      I particularly liked your last comment on the other ‘Honestly, You asked’ post. You look like you got your head screwed on straight. Agree 100% with Ms. DeeDee: Go on out and get travelling, see the world. I would definitely be interested in reading it. But don’t let other people’s experiences embitter you or shut you off from happiness.

  15. Let's be Realistic / Jan 21 2012 4:39 pm

    another thing i’ve seen on college campuses. black guys who are friends with a mostly white crowd will blatantly put down the black girls around him, calling them all ugly (when they aren’t) and using that for his excuse as why he won’t date them and get this…his white friends will agree with him and allow it. especially the white females. they offer him sympathy and understanding as though to say ” yes Jamal, we know your women are hideous, so we’ll give you a pass to date white girls” LOL so annoying. i really just need to get out of this country.

    • Dee Dee Russell / Jan 21 2012 6:12 pm

      @Lets
      you might want to examine of those BM who do that are on the down-low. In my experience its the deeply closeted BM who throw BW under the bus. They don’t want you as competition! When this happens you have to do two things. Move away or get him to the side and quietly ask him to stop. And trust, those WP do not agree with nor believe him. Deep down they know the state of some of Black America, the up to 50% BM high school dropout rates and 73%bastard aka out of wedlock rates. Fact is, many people are afraid to disagree with BM off so they stay mum.

      Stop being around those people! Don’t go to their parties. Really it’s very simple. In time, you’ll be surrounded by like minded people.

      Good to vent -for a moment. Then make a plan to be happy and positive and stick to it

  16. Let's be Realistic / Jan 21 2012 7:18 pm

    thanks Dee. i know positive attitude is the way to go… the only way really lol. but you’re right venting sometimes is good as well. and i’m not venting about my personal experiences, i actually get approached by both white and black men alot, but sometimes i feel its only because i don’t have a look that people generally categorize as black (especially with the black guys) and it makes me sad because a) people are retarded and assume all black girls must look like Clarice Precious Jones if they are not mixed and b) african features have beauty in themselves so and I’m a little disappointed in myself for posting my negative feelings online because if another young black girl reads it i don’t want to spread the bitterness lol, the last thing we need to do is be bitter. but sometimes it just feels good to vent and know that someone, somewhere will read it : ) thanks.

    and you’re totally right, i need to get over other people’s foolishness and live my life, but when i withdraw from people, i feel like a creeper but then when i want to get more social i remeber how shitty people are and then i want to withdraw again lol and i don’t party at all lol, i’m a science major so i don’t really hang with the “partiers” at my uni.

    • Dee Dee Russell / Jan 24 2012 9:24 pm

      You’re welcome. I assume you’re in the BWE community? I find Betty Chambers refreshing and Baggage Reclaim is good as well.. You’re exploring and finding out what works for you, best of luck and again, its cool to back away from dating and focus on your studies. You have the rest of your life to find a love.

  17. Song of travel / Feb 7 2012 11:31 am

    I am saddened to hear what happened to you. I really hope you are doing much better, even with the young man in one of your classes. I am sadened to also hear the hate of WM, etc. the majority of them are bigots. I don’t know what it is like in your country (I’m guessing it is the U.S.) but there are lots of men all around the world and I’m guessing most of them arn’t bigots. There will be WM who are racist (as there would be in any race) but you need to just steer clear of those backwards thinking people. Please don’t just give up on a race of people because of a few bad apples. Anyway that was my rant. I hope the best for you and I know you will find that special someone.

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