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July 31, 2011 / admin

Should You Tell Or Keep It a Secret?


Saw this question on Yahoo Answers recently…

“Hey. My girlfriend aka the love of my life makes me soo happy and i love her a lot. Well my parents dislike her because she is black and i am white. I just dont understand why. My girlfriend is a nice , church going, respectful girl and she is amazing. Lately my parents have been calling me mentally challenged and im going to screw up my life and cursing at me because im dating a black girl. I just dont understand because i didnt know my parents are racist. I just need some advice on what to do because soon imma live with my girlfriend and we are talking about marriage too. Her parents love me on the other hand its just my parents. Help please?:/”
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One of the answers given was for the young man to tell his girlfriend that his parents are racist and I thought that was an interesting suggestion. I also thought… ‘What good would that do’? When I brought a non-black guy home my father pulled me aside and said I choose a good looking guy. My mother didn’t mention anything about him being White… but she said she liked him.

My boyfriend on the other hand told me up front that his mother may have racist tendencies… which mortified and scared the beejezus out of me! It made me question whether or not I should continue a relationship with him because I felt like his mother would be filling his head with stuff that would eventually affect our relationship for the worst. When I eventually met his mother, if she had racist thoughts about me, she sure hid it well. (Though I’m sure she wasn’t all that pleased her son had chosen a Black girl)

So, my question is: If you find out that your parents are racist (or have racist tendencies) once you start dating outside of your race, do you share this information with your beau or keep it a secret from them and address the issue with your parents in hope they will eventually come around?

Would you want your boyfriend or girlfriend to tell you that his/her parents aren’t feeling you simply because of your color or would you rather they omit the information for fear that simply having that knowledge could put added burden/stress on your relationship?

Sound off in the comments section 🙂

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10 Comments

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  1. df / Jul 31 2011 7:24 pm

    I think his parents will come around especially since his GF sounds wonderful…if they don’t…well, their hate and the unnecessary stress that comes with it will unfortunately send them to their graves early…hope it’s worth dying prematurely and being estranged from your own child because of your mental retardation.

    Anyway, If I was just casually dating someone, nothing serious…i’d mention it jokingly if it ever came up…if things began to get serious, I’d definitely mention it. I’d hope my bf would do the same thing too because if I ever ever found out that he’d been consciously hiding me from his family because he knows they are racist…I’d try to let him explain himself and I’d watch what he’d do after…if he still doesn’t introduce me or ever plan to, I would bounce because I know he would eventually choose his family over me. I’ve seen it happen SO MANY times as I live in a very diverse city. If I lived in Canada it would be a different story maybe but I am in the states. I know a white guy that was dating an indian girl for YEARS and she never even told her parents he existed…when he was hoping to get married, she suddenly dumped him. I do not want to be one of those idiots that thinks it could never happen to me…

    Nice post!

  2. WingedBeast / Jul 31 2011 7:27 pm

    It’s not first date discussion, to be sure. But, if things are headed to the “meet the parents” direction, you want to get certain things out in the open. Who wants to meet the folks and get blindsided with that?

    Any cat you leave in the bag will claw its way out in time.

    • mzdougla / Aug 1 2011 1:21 am

      Exactly, I agree 100%. Not something I will bring up during a first OR second date. Only if it gets serious.

  3. mzdougla / Aug 1 2011 1:39 am

    I also agree with df, that if it’s overseas, it would be a different story, because European men that are attracted to black women; seem to have no problem expressing it (I’ve witnessed it), but if I dated a white guy in the U.S, it would be a bit challenging. Not challenging in a sense, that I would allow others to dictate my life, but it seems that a lot of American white guys have difficulties expressing their interest in black women, maybe because of the history. Some would even allow their families to coax them out of a healthy relationship. American white women don’t seem to have a problem expressing their attraction to non-white men. It also seems to me that the families tend to interfere less in their daughters affairs.
    I would not stay in a ltr relationship, if the guy would not introduce me to his parents. There’s plenty fish in the sea 🙂

    • admin / Aug 1 2011 3:01 am

      I hear you Mzdougla. But would you stay in a relationship with a guy who was willing to introduce you to his parents (but it would be obvious they did not approve of you) and who told you after a few dates that his parents may (likely) be racists or that he just found out his parents are racist since he started dating you (a la the poster’s predicament)? In other words, he is not afraid to tell his parents he is dating you, but you now know they dislike you just because you are Black.

      • mzdougla / Aug 1 2011 4:07 am

        oh I knew I forgot to give my two cents about a particular part of this story, I strayed lol. First, thumbs up for that guy. He’s continuing his healthy relationship despite what his parents think….hopefully. I wish them happiness 🙂

        I wish I had examples to use, such as my parents, but my father was/is a chauvinist with an obsession for non-blk women, and my mothers family did not like him, but she did not love him either. They got a divorce and the rest is history. Anyway I digress…

        Yes, I don’t think I would allow his family to chase me out of the relationship. If I was truly in love with him and he showed me that he’s capable of committing to the relationship, regardless of what his parents think, then it would not matter to me. It takes two to make it work (as cliche as that sounds).
        My father voiced his opinion about interracial dating/marriage, even though he did not marry a bw (he’s a hypocrite). I will not permit my father to disrespect, dictate, nor destroy my relationship and I would like my potential love to do the same. Showing me that he isn’t afraid to express his love for me by telling his (racist) parents….speaks volumes, and I’m pretty sure I could make it work. If a guy or women (for the guys) invests all their energy worrying about what friends and random people think…red flag! Imagine if it were their parents.

        ” I think his parents will come around especially since his GF sounds wonderful…if they don’t…well, their hate and the unnecessary stress that comes with it will unfortunately send them to their graves early…hope it’s worth dying prematurely and being estranged from your own child because of your mental retardation.”

        Totally agree!

  4. mzdougla / Aug 1 2011 4:25 am

    I would tell…what’s the point in keeping it a secret; especially if it’s a long term relationship. Your significant others parents can not suppress their racist tendencies for long. At some point you will begin to notice it…perhaps a family barbecue, you will notice how they stare at you, never smile at you (mannerisms) or how they treat your children, as oppose to the other grandchildren.,etc. oh but please rectify that issue before marriage/children. You don’t want to have to explain to them why grandpa and grandma don’t visit or show any interest in them, and why daddy can’t muster the courage to set them straight.

    Had to throw that in there 🙂

  5. Heather Scoggins / Mar 31 2013 3:32 pm

    I know what your detailing with my boyfriend is white and I am black and we love each other but my parents do the same thing because of where he lives it’s crazy.

  6. Elle / Mar 10 2014 1:48 pm

    my parents never cared. they knew it was inevitable with who i would wind up with because of how i was raised and they knew about white crushes i had growing up. i asked my mom recently “would you be surprised if i told you my new bf is white” and she replied “yes and no…” lol she jokes that he doesn’t even look white but it never bothered her. as long as i’m cared for and loved is all that mattered to her. my bf on the other hand told me that he dated a BW for the first time when he was 21 & his parents reaction wasn’t the best. he said they gave him hell for a while (he didn’t elaborate on anything in particular) but he did tell me that a few months ago (a few months before we got intimate to be exact!) that his mother sent a letter from her and his father APOLOGIZING for how they reacted to his preference & that they were not concerned about what he liked… that’s what the letter said in a nutshell. i actually look forward to meeting his family and him meeting mine…

  7. chocolate / Aug 27 2014 12:55 am

    God put us together because we are humans. We didn’t fool around and fall in love(wm/bw).
    It was love at first sight, fate. It was meant to be by God. He created diversity to prevent
    inbreeding groups. Diversity reduces retarded and feebleminded offspring with hybrid vigor
    communities. I thank God for making different races to prevent incest. This post is
    very old, but it’s never too late to start a thread.

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