Comment Win by M!
Since this comment, submitted by M, is buried under 80 or so other comments in the post, Should you be Skeptical of White Men who only Date Black Women, I thought I’d feature it here on the main page!
Some of these comments, in my opinion, offer cautionary tales to anyone who’d approach a man/woman across the color line. It just goes to show that attraction is what it is…even people with severe racial hangups on either side sometimes can’t help but be attracted to what they fear, or what makes them question their racial loyalties. How one deals with attraction across a culture or color “barrier” (in quotes because it isn’t naturally there, but it is a socially constructed reality) is the issue. How any particular White guy/man or Black girl/woman deals with their attraction matters more than why it exists in the first place. Why question a natural biological reaction and turn it into something ugly?
I think it is quite INSANE to want a man to be attracted to a woman with specific attributes, but call it a “fetish” if he develops a general preference for those attributes based upon his experience with her. I’ve dated a few White men. I’ve encountered some who are in that first flush of discovery of a type of woman they hadn’t considered, or weren’t around, or had been scared to approach, but finally did for whatever reason. I thought it was a beautiful thing. People, this is what is supposed to happen when you figure out that you like something you didn’t know you liked before you tried it! Having said that, I completely understand the wariness that some Black women have about the intent of White men who are exploring a new avenue for love (or maybe just sex). It SHOULD be the same wariness with which these women view ANY man, because men are men in this regard. They like sex, and they will pursue it relentlessly with women they are attracted to. That’s like saying the sun rises in the east and sets in the west….next!
My man didn’t date Black women until he left his small Western town to see the world. Where he grew up most everyone is Nordic looking, or Native American, so it was not really an option for him for many years. I don’t know how many Black women he’s been with (or White, Asian, Latin women for that matter), but I’m sure he has been with enough women to know what he likes. What mattered to me is that he saw ME, as a multifaceted individual, not just a sex object, a buddy, or someone to pass the time with. Since he sees ME and appreciates ME for who I am, I assume that what got his attention are physical attributes I have that he already appreciated, either generally because he has a type and I fit into it, or specifically because he liked how I was put together. I would hope that, if we don’t work out, he’d now be on the lookout for a woman like me (however he’d define it) based on having such a great experience.
As for me, I would have chosen him hands down physically, but I have never dated a guy with his background and profession, so wasn’t checking for his type at all. I didn’t know he was perfect for me until I got to know him. What I now know is that there is another “type” of guy out there that I might be compatible with, despite superficial differences that seemed to matter more than they really do. So now, I’d find myself drawn to guys like him, and I’d see possibilities where I didn’t before. Does that mean I have a fetish?
Ladies, if I can offer unsolicited advice to anyone who is worried about the fetish thing: Seek a quality man first and foremost. Don’t date a guy just because he’s White (or Black, or whatever). Figure out what you want, what you like, and then date guys with those qualities. You’ll find that you simply aren’t attracting (or attracted to!) men who only want to be with you because you are a Black woman.